Let’s start by looking at some of the predictions I made for last season:
1. Will Raheem Mostert continue to do that thing where his body shatters and shreds under his own power and he won’t complete a season again?
I nailed that one in week 1. I. Nailed. It.
2. Will Stephon Diggs get tired of waiting for Top Gun 2 to come out, and take it upon himself to fly through the air and catch some crazy ass passes from his quarterback with an equally crazy ass arm?
Not exactly a hard one to predict, but I did get this one right. Bonus points for the Top Gun 2 call-out.
3. Did Chase Young watch Godzilla vs. Kong in the offseason and hit Dak Prescott so hard that he goes through the ground just to prove the Hollow Earth Theory correct?
Got this one wrong. That’s on me.
4. Will Tyreek Hill run so fast that he accidentally shows the world that he is an actual superhero, just like Clark Kent didn’t want to do in that one episode of Smallville?
Halfway right. We don’t know about the superhero part, but he did run fast. That was an easy one.
5. Did Robert Saleh find the jar of tears that Adam Gase left for him in the head coach’s office?
We don’t know for sure, but you gotta think he did. I count this one as a win.
3.5/5 isn’t bad. Let’s do better.
So what’s going to happen this season? Will Carson Wentz openly weep when he inevitably gets verbally assaulted in Philly? Is Aidan Hutchinson going to get recruited by the Norweigan Army because they see that he looks like a Navy SEAL Viking when he puts on his face paint? Did Vita Vea complete dental school in the offseason, so he can perform oral surgery on the sidelines during a game? Is Deshaun going to get cramps so bad that he has to come out of the game, but no sideline trainer helps him and he ends up getting a blood clot? Is Jameis Winston going to somehow one-up himself and do an even weirder pump-up speech than the “Eat a W” speech?
No one knows. That’s what makes this sport the best.
Jacksonville @ Washington (Washington -2.5 O/U 44.0)
We don’t know much about how either of these teams are going to operate, but we do know that Jacksonville is the healthier team, Carson Wentz is fragile, Jacksonville is on the come-up, and Washington is stale.
Doug Pederson not only knows Carson Wentz, but he also hates him. And that’s the key here. I think Doug Pederson is going to be able to throw things at Carson that will get him scrambled and flustered, and we all know that once Carson gets in his own head he starts to really fuck things up.
That’s my favorite thing about watching him play. You can see exactly how bad he’s going to be based on how red his face is. And with him in that Washington Maroon? That dumbass red face of his is going to POP.
On the other side of things, we have Trevor Lawrence. I think we’re going to see a Joe Burrow and Jamaar Chase level of connection between Trevor and Travis Etienne. Maybe not on the same level because Etienne is a running back and not a wide receiver, but I think we’re going to see something there.
Give me Jacksonville and the points. Washington doesn’t deserve to be a favorite. In the gambling world or socially.
Jacksonville +2.5
Kansas City @ Arizona (Kansas City -6 O/U 53.5)
I wish that I had stats to back this one up, but what it really comes down to for me, is that I straight up don’t trust the Chiefs. I don’t trust that they’ll be able to do their Super Saiyan shit where they can score from anywhere because they don’t have Tyreek. I don’t trust their defense because they always seem to start shitty and get scored on a lot. I don’t trust their running game because they don’t trust their running game.
On the other hand, I look at the Cardinals, and I do trust them… for about 8 weeks. Luckily those 8 weeks are the first 8 weeks. After that, they are just a big ol’ bag of shit.
They have a better defense, a better offense, and better running backs.
Again, no stats for this one. So if you don’t trust me, first of all, fuck you dude, but then fade me.
Bitch.
Cardinals +6
Tampa Bay @ Dallas (Tampa Bay -2.5 O/U 51.0)
Both of these teams' Defenses are better than their Offenses.
The Cowboys actively made their offense worse by getting rid of receivers and linemen, not doing anything to give their offensive line any depth, and doubling down on Zeke. It’s pretty funny how terrible that situation is.
The Buccs have bad vibes on offense as well. Chris Godwin is saying to not expect much from him and their offensive line is broken and shattered. You can also put in the situation where Tom Brady plays like shit when it gets to be past his bedtime.
But again, both of their defenses are still holding relatively strong.
Nothing here shows me any hope of this game going over, especially and number as high as 51.
Under 51.
Seal it in blood. *Bonus Chonky Man Teaser*
Ravens -1
Colts -1
Bengals -.5
49ers -1
Raiders +9.5
Titans +.5