I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Ugh. Let’s get this over with.
The Seahawks are going to be historically bad this year. Their defense is going to be butt. Their offense is going to be stale. Their coach is a thousand years old. I’m sure Jason Myers is going to have a bad season.
It’s all terrible, and I can’t wait for those dorks in Seattle wearing their hideous highlighter green/yellow 12th Man jerseys to have a bad fall.
Week 1:
Seahawks 0-0
Loss v. Broncos
Russell Wilson's revenge game. Except he doesn’t call it a revenge game, he calls it a homecoming, even though it’s the first game of the season and he hasn’t technically gone anywhere yet.
Week 2:
Seahawks 0-1
Loss @ 49ers
DK Metcalf has 4 opportunities where he could have 25+ yard catches, but the ball doesn't come his way. He tries to fight Geno Smith for the first time.
Week 3:
Seahawks 0-2
Loss v. Falcons
If this was the first football game you ever watched, you would think that the point was to put the ball on the ground.
Week 4:
Seahawks 0-3
Loss @ Lions
Dan Campbell breaks Pete Carroll’s hand because of how juiced he is for shutting out a team for the first time.
Week 5:
Seahawks 0-4
Loss @ Saints
Chris Olave gets Rookie of the Year talk. Turns out he was just playing against tackling dummies in Seahawks’ uniforms.
Week 6:
Seahawks 0-5
Loss v. Cardinals
This is a Perfect Storm for the Seahawks. Early season, playing the Cardinals, playing another football team.
Week 7:
Seahawks 0-6
Loss @ Chargers
Justin Herbert has a perfect game. DK Metcalf fights Geno Smith for the second time.
Week 8:
Seahawks 0-7
Loss v. Giants
This is the game the Seahawks have circled. Coincidentally, they also score 0 points.
Week 9:
Seahawks 0-8
Loss @ Cardinals
The Cardinals are going to do everything they can to try to lose this game, and the Seahawks are going to try their hardest to win this game. The more pathetic team stays true to their purpose.
Week 10:
Seahawks 0-10
Loss @ Buccaneers
This game is in Germany. The product is enough to justifiably start a war.
Week 11:
Seahawks 0-11
Bye
Week 12:
Seahawks 0-11
Loss v. Raiders
They come out of the Bye week strong and score 10 points. Final Score: 38-10
Week 13:
Seahawks 0-12
Loss @ Rams
Drew Lock starts. Drew Lock gets benched.
Week 14:
Seahawks 0-13
Loss v. Panthers
Christian McCaffery comes back for a game and gets someone into their Fantasy Football Playoffs.
Week 15:
Seahawks 0-14
Loss v. 49ers
There have been more competitive Harlem Globetrotters’ games. DK Metcalf fights Geno Smith for the third time.
Week 16:
Seahawks 0-15
Loss @ Chiefs
Drew Lock starts again. Drew Lock gets benched again.
Week 17:
Seahawks 0-16
Loss v. Jets
DK Metcalf fights Geno Smith for the fourth time. Zach Wilson is seen out with Drew Lock’s mom after the game.
Week 18:
Seahawks 0-17
Loss v. Rams
DK Metcalf gets tired of fighting Geno Smith. He fights Aaron Donald instead.
FINAL RECORD:
0-18