I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
There are some really weird vibes coming out of Tampa right now. Their offensive line has/had instances where their skeletons have straight-up failed them in a tremendously horrific fashion. Tom Brady is getting divorced because he didn’t win The Masked Singer or something like that. Chris Godwin is saying he’s healthy, but don’t expect him to be good for a minute. Leonard Fournette made big splashes about being a great big fat guy, then he said, “No, I’m not fat,” and we were like, “Okay, sure whatever dude” and then we didn’t hear anything about it.
I don’t know. Seems like it’s a weird situation, but I’m sure it’ll end up working out for them.
Week 1:
Buccs 0-0
Win @ Cowboys
Water is wet, the sun rises in the East, and Tom Brady wins in week 1.
Week 2:
Buccs 1-0
Win @ Saints
I’m a firm believer in that Sean Payton was the mastermind behind the Saints always beating the Buccs. Tough day to be Jameis.
Week 3:
Buccs 2-0
Win v. Packers
The Packers are still going to try to figure out who they’re going to throw the ball to. It’s a low-scoring game and Ryan Succop hits the game-winner from 45 yards.
Week 4:
Buccs 3-0
Win v. Chiefs
Even though this is a nighttime game and Tom Brady doesn’t play well in those, he always beats Andy Reid. I don’t like that he always beats him, but it’s just another thing that happens.
Week 5:
Buccs 4-0
Win v. Falcons
The Buccs’ O Line gets a break this week. They could get some guys from the crowd to suit up, and Tom will still complete 85% of his passes.
Week 6:
Buccs 5-0
Win @ Steelers
This might be the lowest-scoring game of the season. Tom’s going to get the most pressure he sees all season, and Mitch is going to play exactly how he always does.
Week 7:
Buccs 6-0
Win @ Panthers
This is the downfall of Matt Rhule. The Panthers are in this until the last minute and Matt Rhule calls a run on a 4th and 8.
Week 8:
Buccs 7-0
Loss v. Ravens
This is a Thursday night game, and it’s going to be the first time this season where Tom really shows his age. He goes 8 for 18 in the second half and fucks the whole thing up.
Week 9:
Buccs 7-1
Win v. Rams
Matt Stafford won this game in the playoff last year by launching an absolute moonball in the 4th quarter. He’ll try to do the same thing, but this time it’s gonna be 5 yards short.
Week 10:
Buccs 8-1
Win v. Seahawks
They’ll be able to sit Tom Brady before halftime. Blaine Gabbert comes in and still throws for 250 yards.
Week 11:
Buccs 9-1
Bye
Week 12:
Buccs 9-1
Loss @ Browns
This one gets known as the Myles Garrett game. He sacks Tom and takes him out of the game.
Week 13:
Buccs 9-2
Loss v. Saints
Tom comes back for this Monday night game, and once again plays like an old guy after halftime. It’s worse this time because he’s also a halfway-hurt old guy.
Week 14:
Buccs 9-3
Win @ 49ers
Tom’s not gonna lose three games in a row. He has one of his best games of the season against one of the best defenses in the league.
Week 15:
Buccs 10-3
Loss v. Bengals
The Bengals’ offensive line has gotten a lot better throughout the season and they shut down the Buccs’ pass rush. Tom and Joe go blow for blow, and Evan McPherson kicks a 55-yard game-winner as time expires.
Week 16:
Buccs 10-4
Win @ Cardinals
Tom Brady’s unwavering sleep schedule is going to be battling against the Cardinals’ unwavering ability to not compete at a high level throughout a whole season. The Cardinals’ willpower to fuck this up wins.
Week 17:
Buccs 11-4
Win v. Panthers
Christian McCaffery comes back for this game just to get annihilated by Akiem Hicks. He gets hurt and it’s probably the end of his career.
Week 18:
Buccs 12-4
Loss @ Falcons
The Buccs sit their starters, giving the Falcons a game that they can actually be competitive in. They still almost lose, but at least it’s fun.
FINAL RECORD:
12-5