I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Last year, the Commanders had a pretty good amount of hype going into the season. We all thought their defense was going to be a force to reckoned with. Boy, do we have eggs on our faces. Turns out they were just a bunch of doofuses being led by a doofus.
Last year, we thought that the Commanders had a decent chance on offense with Ryan Fitzpatrick as their QB. That thought lasted for about 10 minutes until he got hurt.
They’re just a shit show that continues to be a shit show. They picked up a dipshit quarterback. They fired their D Line coach two or three weeks before the season started, and then just did a fanfare move by hiring Ryan Kerrigan as a new D Line coach.
These guys are jokes, and I can’t wait to see what kinds of hall-of-fame-worthy debacles they get themselves into this year.
Week 1:
Commanders 0-0
Loss v. Jaguars
Doug Pederson is gonna play mental warfare with Carson Wentz. That just means he’s going to show regular pressure, knowing that Carson can break down at any moment.
Week 2:
Commanders 0-1
Loss @ Lions
The lions are a frisky team at the beginning of the season. Frisky doesn’t mean good, it just means they’re better than Washington.
Week 3:
Commanders 0-2
Loss v. Eagles
Another game where Jalen Hurts doesn’t have to play against Chase Young. Another game where the Commanders get blown out.
Week 4:
Commanders 0-3
Loss @ Cowboys
The Cowboys’ lack of offensive line won’t matter in the outcome of this game, but Dak will be under pressure the whole time and Zeke will play like ass.
Week 5:
Commanders 0-4
Loss v. Titans
The only time Derrick Henry gets stopped this game is when his lineman step in front of him, and maybe a tackle or 2.
Week 6:
Commanders 0-5
Loss @ Bears
The Bears’ defense is going to look All-Pro when they get 7 sacks and 4 interceptions.
Week 7:
Commanders 0-6
Loss v. Packers
No one knows what to expect from the Packers’ wide receivers this year. However, we know exactly what to expect from the Commanders’ DBs, and it ain't great.
Week 8:
Commanders 0-7
Loss @ Colts
The Colts might actually murder Carson Wentz before, during, or after the game for what he did last year.
Week 9:
Commanders 0-8
Loss v. Vikings
Kirk Cousins in early November. That’s a guy who’s going to win this game and throw 3 touchdowns on his way to doing it.
Week 10:
Commanders 0-9
Loss @ Eagles
Carson Wentz finally comes to Philly to throw 6 interceptions and get sacked 9 times.
Week 11:
Commanders 0-10
Win @ Texans
Ron Rivera v. Lovie Smith: a match-up that should have no winner, but someone has to.
Week 12:
Commanders 1-10
Win v. Falcons
Now the Commanders are rolling, a force to reckoned with on a 1-game winning streak. They roll the falcons 24-10.
Week 13:
Commanders 2-10
Loss @ Giants
What happens when an unstoppable force hits an immovable object? The Giants win a game 17-10.
Week 14:
Commanders 2-11
Bye
Week 15:
Commanders 2-11
Win v. Giants
I love that they have to play the same team back-to-back. The Commanders flip the script and win 17-10.
Week 16:
Commanders 3-11
Loss @ 49ers
Trey Lance comes out of this game and Jimmy goes in. After a scoring drive, he starts to head over to Washington’s bench, just so fans could see what it would maybe be like if they didn’t sign a buffoon instead of Jimmy.
Week 17:
Commanders 3-12
Loss v. Browns
We not only get to cheer against Deshaun, but then we also get to cheer against the Commanders since they’re going to let the Browns walk away with this one.
Week 18:
Commanders 3-13
Loss v. Cowboys
The Commanders think they might be able to win this one to end their season on a high note. Too bad they have not grown at all this entire year, and now they need to get a new quarterback… again.
FINAL RECORD:
3-14