I had a can of Vess cola this morning because the coffee machine wasn’t working. I don’t know the last time you had Vess cola, but they really nailed the flavor of Coke if you think Coke tastes and feels like hot piss; It’s pretty acidic, foams up waaaay too much, and it‘s straight-up pee, probably. I had a bad taste left in my mouth, which isn’t too far off from what last weekend gave me.
DON’T GET ME WRONG. I absolutely LOVED the full Sunday slate, my Birds pushed the Falcons’ dicks in, and I went 1-1 in my fantasy matchups. It’s just the 1-3 (now 1-4 with a Thursday night L) start to the season. I feel kinda salty. Maybe I deserved the Vess. I’m serious about that whole pee thing too. If you told me that some guy with extreme diabetes was pissing in cans and putting a “Vess” label on them, I would not write you off as a lunatic.
Actually, you know what? We’re not here to talk about the in’s and out’s of drinking pee. Let’s get to it.
Week 2:
Bengals @ Bears (Bears -3, O/U 45)
I like the Bengals. I’m not afraid to say that. They seem like a bunch of nice gentlemen who have good heads on their shoulders.
I don’t like the Bears. They stink like butts, and their head coach is a certified doofus who will lose his job on the bye week.
That’s what this one comes down to for me. Matt Nagy will have the Bears stick with their polio-era offense as long as Andy Dalton is starting, and they’ll be porous and undisciplined on defense. Joe Burrow is going to have to register as a sex offender once he pulls out that giant piece of hog meat between his legs and violates the city of Chicago.
Bengals +3.
Vikings @ Cardinals (Cardinals -3.5, O/U 51)
Kyler Murray is an all-time “guy whose voice doesn’t match his body” and that’s something that I don’t respect. What I do respect is the Cardinals’ ability to dominate a game in all facets.
Minnesota played an incredibly average game on Sunday. Nothing about them stood out anywhere on the field.
I love 2 things in this world: Ice cream sandwiches that have chocolate chip cookies on the outside and using DVOA as an analytical tool, so bear with me here:
Only using a sample size of a single game isn’t great, but it’s what we have and what we’re going to use. The DVOA differential for the Vikings’ offense to the Cardinals’ defense is -14 (that’s very bad for the Vikings), whereas the Cardinals’ offense to Vikings’ defense is 5 (that’s fine for the Cardinals).
You can look up this stuff if you want, but let me tell you, a -14 is the exact thing that you don’t want if you’re the Vikings. That means we’re going to take the Cardinals. I don’t necessarily like laying the 3.5, so I’ll buy that line down to Cardinals -3.
Eagles Bet
49ers @ Eagles (49ers -3, O/U 50)
No one thought the Eagles were going to go out and ruin the Falcons’ season like that. Everyone looked incredibly competent and they played like absolute animals. Keeping the Falcons out of the Endzone? Not allowing any plays over 20 yards? UH YEAH. I’ll take more of that.
Now obviously the Falcons are a shit team, but good teams beat the shit out of shit teams.
I’m not saying this means the Eagles are a good team. I’m just saying that this means they are competitive, and that’s all I want.
If the offense can cook the same way they did last weekend, which I think they can, the Eagles have a chance to actually win this game. The Niners’ defensive backfield is decimated which played a good part in the Lions’ near comeback on Sunday. If a team with as little firepower as the Lions can put big boi numbers up on the 49ers D, then the Eagles can easily do the same. This is gonna be a good and close game.
I like the Eagles +3.
Your piss-mouthed guide has spoken. Go Birds.