My goal for these breakdowns is to make them easy for you to read while you take your morning poop. I think I do a good job at that, for the most part. My reading level is incredibly low which means my writing level is incredibly low, and I think that plays a part in my success.
Unfortunately today, It might be different. I’m not going to start acting like I read and write good, I’m just going to cover a lot. So that means you might want to break this up over two poops or just one big mondo poop.
Also, I edit these myself which means I don’t edit these. Keep that in mind when it comes to errors and shit.
Okay.
Super Bowl 56
I just want this game to be fun, you know? Last year was a dumb Super Bowl. We all really liked Mahomes through the season, but then Tom Brady and his dickhead team had to go and spoil the fun. It was 9-31. Fuck that.
This year we get the Lions Quarterback and the Bengals.
Read that sentence out loud.
“Super Bowl 56 is the Lions Quarterback playing against the Cincinnati Bengals” -You
That’s crazy shit man, and I love it.
I want to reiterate: I’m from St. Louis, and just like a lover scorned, I want with all of my heart for the Rams to fail purely out of spite. I dream of a period where the Rams fall back into a 56-119 record over 10 years like they did from ‘05-’15. The Ram’s window of success is very very small, so I think if we can weather the storm this year and next year, then my malice-fueled wet dream of dismay for that franchise will come to fruition. So yes, I am biased I guess.
But I’m not dumb.
Here’s the reason the Bengals being in the Superbowl is surprising to people:
Because it’s the fucking Bengals dude.
They were 4-11-1 last year. It seems crazy that they’re in the Super Bowl because it is crazy. Teams that go to the Superbowl don’t normally do that. Of all the non-Tom Brady teams that have gone to the Superbowl in the last 20 years, only 11 of them have had a record with less than 10 wins the year prior, and only 4 of those 10 teams have won.
That means that if you exclude Tom Brady’s teams, and you win less than 10 games in a season you have a 13% chance of winning the Super Bowl the next year if you make it.
It seems crazy because it is crazy.
Now that’s in a vacuum obviously. I’m not sure if that holds water here because again, it’s Matthew Stafford playing the goddamned Bengals.
Since we’re living in this Bizzaro world, I decided to think about this game differently.
It’s not about which team I trust more, but it’s about which team I trust less.
The Bengals' offensive line could be better, duh. They got full pantsed by the Titans and everyone saw their tiny little baby dicks, but they responded very well the week after that. Do I trust them? No. Do I not trust them? Also no.
I would let the Bengals’ receivers and running backs father my child if I had one. So no, I don’t not trust them.
What else can I say about Joe Burrow that I haven’t already said? Joe Burrow is a good quarterback and at some point, he’ll be a great quarterback. Joe Burrow seems like a good hang. I like Joe Burrow more than I like most players in the League.
But Joe Burrow is not cool.
He’s coherent and charismatic. He hasn’t done any weird shit to hype his team up, he answers interview questions instead of telling everyone about how much god has blessed him, and he has a moderate sense of fashion.
By moderate, of course, I mean that I like some of his jackets.
I’m not sure why people think Joe Burrow’s weirdo-pervert sunglasses are cool, but I guess that’s on me. Maybe “Perve-core” is an aesthetic that society is cool with now, who knew?
I don’t trust cool people. Joe Burrow is not cool.
Now the Rams:
The Rams’ offensive line is led by that old guy, Whitworth. I don’t trust old people.
The Rams’ wide receivers… OBJ is a front-runner and I don’t trust him to play good ball if they get behind. He’ll get panicky in the spotlight and turtle up IF they get behind. Other than him they’re not untrustworthy at all.
The Rams’ running back situation is weird. I don’t trust Cam Akers to hold onto the ball the whole game, which means Sony Michel would come probably come in and he’s not good enough to run effectively against a tough defensive line. I don’t trust this group.
Matthew Stafford is fine, I guess. I think he's gonna play an incredibly mediocre game but get bailed out by his receivers. I think he’ll throw a pair of interceptions that’ll lead to 10 points. Also, it’s Matt Stafford. Matt Stafford doesn’t win 4 postseason games in a row. I don’t trust him.
So, yes. History would say that a team coming off a 4-11-1 season should not win this game. History would say that the Bengals should not win this game. An offensive line that has been as exposed as the Bengals’ should not win this game.
But if I did a trust fall and was expecting the Rams to catch me… buddy… I’d be fucked.
Bengals +4. And I’ll take the Under on Sunday afternoon, probably around 49.5 or something like that.
PROP TIME:
** Again, I’m going to wait until Sunday afternoon to put in Under bets. Those numbers are only going to go up.**
Cam Akers Under Rushing Yards (Currently U 64.5)
Remember in the opening scene in Despicable Me 3, where the bad guy steals that diamond and the Security Guards get absolutely fucked by a piece of bubble gum? Cam Akers has that level of ball security. He focused all of his attention on rehabbing his leg (which he should have) and none of his attention on general running back skills (which he should have). He’ll be on a short leash and I imagine that when he does fumble, he’ll be put on a very significant back-burner.
Joe Burrow Over Incompletions (Currently O 10.5)
He’s gonna be getting rid of the ball like crazy. His offensive line is suss and the Rams’ defensive line is anything but suss. They’re so not suss, they might as well have Emptied the Garbage into space with the entire crew around (Among Us references still hold up, right?). He’s gonna be off-target and have pass breaks up because the Rams’ secondary is pretty okay. If he’s throwing the ball 40 times, then this should be an easy over.
Joe Mixon Over Receptions (Currently O 4)
I see a lot of screens to offset the pass rush this game. The Titans had a wicked pass rush and Mixon had 6 receptions on 7 targets. 4 will be easy.
Shortest Touchdown Yardage in the game U 1.5 yards
All we need is a DPI of Defensive Holding in the endzone and this will be fine. The refs are probably going to be the stars of the show.
The main thing is that this game hopefully doesn’t suck total ass.