There was a time, not that long ago, when I was watching coaches’ press conferences to see how they were trying to develop their 3rd and 4th string players in order to get an edge on Preseason games.
Now look at us. Look where we are.
We got the Chiefs being soul-crushingly dominant.
The Rams trying to choke away their season.
The Bengals being total fucking weirdos and winning games.
The 49ers using a lineman as a fullback and a wide receiver as a running back.
It’s as predictable as it is Loony Tunes.
There are 3 games left, so what’s say we fuck around and do some Looney Tunes shit and win a 3? Then we’ll tell everyone that we ended the season 3-0 and not mention our record for the other 99% of the season.
Sounds good? Good.
Bengals @ Chiefs
Chiefs -7, O/U 54.5
Again, I do actually like Joe Burrow.
But what Joe Burrow is doing right now is only considered cool because he plays for the goddamned Bengals. In a few years when they are absolutely crushing everyone and they’re a dominant team, he’s going to come off like an absolute dickhole.
Just keep that in mind. Remember that your boi Jakey warned you- Joe Burrow is gonna be a dick head in 2025.
Now the Chiefs? We were all on board a couple of years ago and they won the Super Bowl, and then last year was kinda nice when they made it back to the Super Bowl but lost…
And now it’s just like… Ugh. Fuck off. It’s not cute anymore.
I think the Chiefs are gonna choke this one away. They played their dicks off last week and it takes longer than 1 week for your dick to grow back.
The Bengals got some firepower on their side. Yeah, Joe Burrow got sacked an absolute shit load of times last week, but that was against a good Titans Defense. The Chiefs’ Defense is nowhere close to being that talented.
Yes, Frank Clark is good. Yes, he could probably beat me up in a fist fight, maybe. But there’s absolutely no way the Bengals line can play as historically atrocious as they did last week. They’ll clean it up and do their job.
But that’s mostly all opinion, what matters here are stats and straight facts, and here are 2 stats for you:
1. Frank Clark has never fought me, so we don’t actually know who would win in that fight.
2. This season I’ve been right 85% of the time I’ve bet on the Bengals and I’ve been wrong 65% of the time I’ve bet against the Chiefs.
85% is greater than 65.
Bengals +7. Fight me, Frank. You bitch.
49ers @ Rams
Rams -3.5, O/U
We just did this game a few weeks ago. Remember?
The 49ers shitted all over the Rams after Sean McVay Ran into the endzone to celebrate with his offense like the total dork he is. I remember that.
I’ll be real: I’m from Saint Louis. My Rams fandom ended in like 2004 or 2005, so I wasn’t crushed when they left, but dude… that Stan Kroenke is such a fuckhead. I can’t help but hope for the worst for him personally, emotionally, socially, financially, and digestively.
Yes, I hope Stan Kroenke develops IBS. Fuck ‘em.
The point is that I’m biased, BUT…
Beating a team twice is hard to do. Beating a team three times though? Pretty easy to do, turns out. When a team has an opportunity to go 3-0 over a team in a season, they go 3-0 against that team 65% of the time.
If you got a dumb brain like me, an even better way to emphasize that point is by saying, “the Rams have a 35% chance of winning this game.”
65% is greater than 35%.
49ers ML.