Remember the Cowboys' fake punt and the play after? What a hoot.
Remember when Dak ran with 14 seconds left and then lost the game for the Cowboys? That was hysterical.
Remember when Dak started that slide at the 26-yard line and then the Cowboys decided to place the ball at the 23-yard line, the refs okayed it, and then they tried to snap the ball but they couldn’t because they ran out of time and then they got mad at the refs? That was truly amazing.
I liked last weekend. Yeah, the birds got humiliated, but that’s fine because it’s what SHOULD have happened.
As you’ve grown to know, I like blowouts. They’re not fun to watch, but it’s great to know they exist. Especially in the first round of the playoffs. Then you know the team that won is truly the better team.
It was a great weekend, and this weekend is going to be even better because there are going to be 3 good games and only one stinker.
Bengals @ Titans
Titans -3.5, O/U 47.5
Derrick Henry is coming back, but I gotta tell ya… I just don’t care.
He’s very one-dimensional. By that I mean, his seasons go the same way he runs. Derrick Henry is not the best short-yardage back, because if you stop him before he picks up speed, you can stop him. If he picks up steam you’re so fucked, it’s crazy. He also starts the season relatively slow and inefficiently and ends the season thoroughly fucking everyone. It’s kind of the one thing he does.
Also, this week Derrick said, "I feel good. I mean, I have a big steel plate in my foot. That is the only difference from the left foot to the right."
Derrick, man… That’s kind of a big fucking deal, my guy. Like. Yeah.
We get it, you’re built different… but that’s a big goddamned deal dude.
And the Bengals? They’re fun. I like the Bengals.
I like Joe Burrow. He’s very talented and seems like he’d be a good hang. That being said, we need to chill the fuck out with calling him cool. He’s 100% not a cool guy. He doesn’t do the whole, “thank god immediately” thing in postgame interviews and it really emphasizes that he’s definitely not a dork, but he’s certainly not cool.
Comparing Joe Burrow to Russell Wilson makes Joe Burrow look cool, but if you compare him to that old-timey picture of that guy smoking a cig on the sideline of a game that he was playing in, Joe Burrow looks like a total bitch nerd.
Until you show me a picture of Joe Burrow drinking a Bud Heavy on a stoop in a black leather bomber jacket with a loosey behind his ear, he won’t be cool. Stop calling him cool.
I like the Bengals though, they seem fun.
Bengals +3.5
49ers @ Packers
Packers -5.5, O/U 47
Jimmy G has a hurt thumb. The 49ers don’t have anyone to cover Davante Adams, let alone any of the Packers’ other receivers.
Yeah, the 49ers can run the ball, but that’s only going to get them so far in this game.
Give me the Packers in single-digit weather against a team from California.
This game will be boring. Packers -5.5.
Rams @ Buccaneers
Buccaneers -3, O/U 48
Remember that scene in the Dark Knight Rises where they blow up the stadium during a game, and everyone on the field dies except Hines Ward?
It’d be cool if that happened here.
This is a game built on trust.
Do I trust the Rams pass rush: Yes. +1
Do I trust the Rams pass rush to not get penalized: No. -1
Do I trust Tom Brady to win 2 playoff games in a row: Yes. +1
Do I trust Matt Stafford to win 2 playoff games in a row: No -1
Do I trust Bruce Arians: Lil bit. +.01
Do I trust Sean McVay: Not even a tiny crumb. -A billion
Buccs -3. But this is my least favorite play of the weekend.
Bills @ Chiefs
Chiefs -1.5, O/U 54
I’m not going to take a side. I’m going to sit back and watch a million trillion touchdowns.
Over 54 points.