We’re officially in the worst part of the year. It’s late summer. You’ll drown in humidity if you go outside. Cicadas are wailing their tiny little insect dicks off. The neighbor kid is practicing his slapshot at night, but he sucks and keeps missing the net and hitting his garage door and it sounds like a war drum and makes your dogs go crazy. The new season of Crime Scene: Kitchen sucks even though the show has a really good premise. Preseason Football ratings will rival that of the USFL Championship. We have to watch Jake Luton for probably, like 3 quarters of the Hall of Fame game.
We all have nothing going for us right now.
If there were a time to pick up a socially devastating habit that could provide you fleeting joy, give you stress pimples at the age of 30, and let you develop strong opinions on the bonuses that Draft Kings offers, then that time is now.
Hall of Fame Game, BABY.
This game is full of the most certainty and the least certainty.
Here are things that we do know:
1. Some guy proposed to his girlfriend when he got invited to the Raiders’ training camp.
2. That same guy is going to miss a crucial block on an insignificant play.
3. He’s going to get cut from the team.
4. His fiance is going to break things off with him.
5. None of us will give a shit.
Here’s what we don’t know:
1. Everything else.
Nick Mullens is going to be playing for the majority of this game, and that means there will be no points for the Raiders. Jake Luton is going to be playing for the majority of this game, and that means there will be no points for the Jaguars. This early in training camp defenses are ahead of offenses, and that means there will be no points for anyone. The Jaguars are going to be trying to put their kickers in difficult situations to assess them, and that means there will be somehow even fewer points for the Jaguars.
The Over/Under here is 30.5. We’re taking the under and turning on Masterchef.