I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
This is a big year for the Cardinals. A big contract for Kyler, a big speeding ticket for Hollywood Brown, a big suspension for DeAndre Hopkins because he wanted big muscles, and most importantly, big pressure on Kliff Kingsbury to not suck total ass in the second half of the season.
I really kind of like the Cardinals, kind of.
Yeah, I’ve lost money on them week-in and week-out, but who hasn’t? I like them because they’re just so entertaining and volatile. It seems like every week for the past month they’ve had some bullshittery go on and I really don’t think it’s going to stop until January.
Week 1:
Cardinals 0-0
Win v. Chiefs
I don’t care who the Cardinals have or don’t have available in week 1. It’s the best they play all season, which is dishearteningly hilarious.
Week 2:
Cardinals 1-0
Loss @ Raiders
Okay, now it matters who they have or don’t have available. They’ll fuck this one up in the 4th quarter.
Week 3:
Cardinals 1-1
Win v. Rams
They’ll split games against the Rams.
Week 4:
Cardinals 2-1
Win @ Panthers
Isaiah Simmons will send Christian McCaffery into the shadow realm, predictably hurting CMC for 6 weeks or so. JJ also gets hurt.
Week 5:
Cardinals 3-1
Win v. Eagles
We’re getting Kyler MVP talk right at this point. We all forgot that he sucks ass in the second half of the year.
Week 6:
Cardinals 4-1
Win @ Seahawks
JJ comes back for this game. JJ gets hurt again.
Week 7:
Cardinals 5-1
Win v. Saints
DeAndre Hopkins comes back, but they still only squeak out a win. Unbeknownst to them but unbeknownst to us, this is where their season goes downhill.
Week 8:
Cardinals 6-1
Loss @ Vikings
This is one of those games that Kirk Cousins balls out and makes it seem like he’s not a total nerd. Cardinals don’t do anything in particular to lose this game, the Vikings just win it in a weird way.
Week 9:
Cardinals 6-2
Win v. Seahawks
Kyler is out this game and Colt McCoy throws for 350 yards, once again cementing that this Seahawks team is amongst the worst in history.
Week 10:
Cardinals 7-2
Loss @ Rams
Cooper Kupp posterizes Budda Baker on the way to an absolutely dominant win, and the video goes megaviral. Buddha Baker quote tweets the video and everyone is embarrassed for him.
Week 11:
Cardinals 7-3
Loss v. 49ers
Trey Lance picks the Cardinals apart for 60 minutes. Kyler does the same to the 49ers, but the Cardinals lose in overtime.
Week 12:
Cardinals 7-4
Win v. Chargers
The Cardinals desperately need a win going into the bye week, fortunately they’re playing the Chargers. The Chargers lose this game in the last 2 minutes, because that’s what they do.
Week 13:
Cardinals 8-4
Bye Week
Week 14:
Cardinals 8-4
Loss v. Patriots
Coming out the bye week, Kyler looks tremendous on the first 2 drives. Then he throws a pick 6 at the beginning of the second quarter and everything goes off the rails.
Week 15:
Cardinals 8-5
Loss @ Broncos
Cardinals playing at Denver in the middle of December? Cardinals lose by 17.
Week 16:
Cardinals 8-6
Loss v. Buccaneers
Kliff Kingsbury is going to be fighting for his job, trying to get a win before the end of the season. Nah man, not here.
Week 17:
Cardinals 8-7
Win @ Falcons
Kliff ALMOST chokes this one away. Luckily, in a battle of people not getting the Heimlich, Marcus Mariota chokes it away instead.
Week 18:
Cardinals 9-7
Loss @ 49ers
Cardinals are going to try to play spoiler and stop the 49ers from getting a better seed in the playoffs. Too bad they peaked back in September, and Kliff gets fired 3 weeks later.
FINAL RECORD
Cardinals 9-8