I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
There’s going through a “rebuild”, and then there’s “Burn down the forest, pour Drano all over the ashen remains, bury a nuke underground, then rebuild on top of that”. The Falcons are the latter.
You know it’s going to be a rough season when a team is hoping that a second-year tight end is going to be the best player on a team. It’s gonna be even worse when he actually is the best player on a team. To be fair to Kyle Pitts, it’s incredibly rare for a tight end to have a great rookie year. Unfortunately, he’s going to have Marcus Mariota throwing to him, and although I don’t have the stats in front of me, it seems like it might be incredibly rare just to be a tight end for Marcus Mariota. Big time bummer for the guy.
Their defense is just a bunch of duds. As a matter of fact, they’re a bunch of duds who allowed the 3rd most points last season (459).
I don’t know, you guys. The Falcons stink. They’re uninteresting and they’re gonna fall very flat this season. Good thing the only primetime game they have is on a Thursday night in week 10.
Week 1:
Falcons 0-0
Win v. Saints
Arthur Smith got absolutely embarrassed in week 1 last year. You gotta think he’ll be more prepared than whoever the Saints' new head coach is.
Week 2:
Falcons 1-0
Loss @ Rams
The Falcons maybe get a field goal. Maybe.
Week 3:
Falcons 1-1
Win @ Seahawks
Shit, I could make a relatively decent game plan to stop either Drew Lock or Geno Smith.
Week 4:
Falcons 2-1
Loss v. Browns
This is mostly because the Browns have to win some games this year.
Week 5:
Falcons 2-2
Loss @ Buccaneers
The Falcons maybe get 2 field goals. Maybe.
Week 6:
Falcons 2-3
Loss v. 49ers
I’m pretty sure there’ll be a Falcons defensive lineman that sets a record for “Most times pancaked in a single game” by Trent Williams this game.
Week 7:
Falcons 2-4
Loss @ Bengals
The defensive backs are going to look like the little brother from “A Christmas Story” while they’re chasing the Bengals’ receivers.
Week 8:
Falcons 2-5
Win v. Panthers
Christian McCaffery will probably definitely be hurt already, which means they just have to put 11 guys on Robbie Anderson. That’s 12 more than enough to cover him.
Week 9:
Falcons 3-5
Loss v. Chargers
This game is inconsequential, so the Chargers will be unstoppable. As is tradition.
Week 10:
Falcons 3-6
Win @ Panthers
Christian McCaffery will probably definitely come back from being hurt, only to get hurt again. Robbie Anderson’s legs will break from both overuse and inefficiency.
Week 11:
Falcons 4-6
Loss v. Bears
A toothless defense is the only kind of defense that Justin Fields can do well against. They might let him throw 4 touchdowns this game.
Week 12:
Falcons 4-7
Loss @ Commanders
Carson Wentz absolutely crumples when he’s under pressure. He won’t be under pressure at all.
Week 13:
Falcons 4-8
Win v. Steelers
Week 13 seems like a week that a bunch of guys on the Steelers’ defense are going to be hurt. Mariota has his best game.
Week 14:
Falcons 5-8
Bye
Week 15:
Falcons 5-8
Loss @ Saints
Falcons are going to pick off Jameis twice, but they won’t get any points off of either of them. The Saints will get 2 fumble recoveries and get 14 points off of them.
Week 16:
Falcons 5-9
Loss @ Ravens
Baltimore is going to be in the running for the 1 seed in the AFC. Lamar runs for 100 yards by himself.
Week 17:
Falcons 5-10
Loss v. Cardinals
Arizona is going to be on a late season skid, as they are want to do, and Kliff Kingsbury is going to have to win this game to save his job. They will.
Week 18:
Falcons 5-11
Win v. Buccaneers
Tampa Bay clinched the 1 seed, so they’ll be playing their back-ups. Atlanta can maybe win against back-ups.
FINAL RECORD:
Falcons 6-11