I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
There’s a very legitimate chance that a gypsy cursed the Ravens before the season last year. Before the 2021 season even started, JK Dobbins, Gus Edwards, Rashod Bateman, and Marcus Peters were put on the IR. Then Lamar Jackson bruised some part of his foot at end the season. Sounds like the work of a scorned gypsy indeed.
They’ll have significant negative regression (regression towards the middle of the bell curve) with their injury luck this year, with the exception for Marcus Peters getting put on the the active/PUP list before camp, but who knows what that means.
The previously stated proprietary system has the Ravens doing pretty well this year.
Week 1:
Ravens 0-0
Win @ Jets
Think of the Tiannamen Square picture. The Ravens rushing game is the tank, and the Jets defensive line is the guy.
Week 2:
Ravens 1-0
Loss v. Dolphins
Dolphins kind of lucked out with going to Baltimore early in the season. Tyreek does the play where he scores in the last 90 seconds of the game from his own 30 yard line.
Week 3:
Ravens 1-1
Win @ Patriots
Patriots are gonna shut down Mark Andrews, but Lamar’s gonna do that thing where he puts an entire defense of 11 grown ass men on the “Not Top 10”.
Week 4:
Ravens 2-1
Win v. Bills
This is going to be one of those weird games where the Bills score less than 20 points. Justin Tucker wins it as the clock runs out.
Week 5:
Ravens 3-1
Win v. Bengals
Just a classic example of Ravens’ defensive line absolutely smooshing the offensive line’s dicks into the core of the Earth. It’s the Bengals and it should be relatively easy.
Week 6:
Ravens 4-1
Win @ Giants
Daniel Jones gets benched in the 3rd quarter.
Week 7:
Ravens 5-1
Win v. Browns
If Deshaun Watson is back, he may actually die.
Week 8:
Ravens 6-1
Win @ Buccaneers
Tom Brady doesn’t do well on Thursday nights. It’s past his bedtime.
Week 9:
Ravens 7-1
Win @ Saints
This is a Monday night game after a Thursday night game. Give me the team with a 10 day rest.
Week 10:
Ravens 8-1
Bye
Week 11:
Ravens 8-1
Win v. Panthers
No one knows who the Panthers QB is gonna be here. Whoever it is will throw 3 picks.
Week 12:
Ravens 9-1
Loss @ Jaguars
This is after Thanksgiving. Lamar will shit himself, and it’s not going to go well this time.
Week 13:
Ravens 9-2
Loss v. Broncos
Broncos are going to have a full head of steam going into this game. Ravens are going to be looking ahead to the next week in Pittsburgh.
Week 14:
Ravens 9-3
Loss @ Steelers
Ravens will split games with the Steelers
Week 15:
Ravens 9-4
Win @ Browns
Deshaun will have just come off life support. It’ll be a big destraction for the Browns all week.
Week 16:
Ravens 10-4
Win @ Falcons
Marcus Mariota throws 2 interceptions and gets sacked 4 times. John Harbaugh does a “Down Low, Too Slow” handshake to Arthur Smith after the game.
Week 17:
Ravens 11-4
Win v. Steelers
Kenny Pickett gets playing time this game. He gets sacked and it affects him for the rest of his career.
Week 18:
Ravens 12-4
Win @ Bengals
Both teams are playing their back-ups. John Harbaugh coaches the fuck out of back-ups
FINAL RECORD:
13-4