I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
The people like the Bills. The people like Bills fans.
And guess what? We’re going to get a whole shitload of exposure to the Bills this year. They have 5 Primetime games and then the early Thanksgiving game. So if you are one of those people who don’t like the Bills? Welp. You’re fucked. Get used to it.
That much exposure is going to be tough because if they start to slip in any way at all, everyone is going to be jumping down their throats and they’re gonna be getting absolutely reamed from every angle.
With all that being said, my aforementioned proprietary system has the Bills only losing 2 games in a row, and neither of them are Primetime games. So that’s nice unless, of course, you are one of those Anti-Bills people. In which case: get fucked nerd.
Week 1:
Bills 0-0
Win @ Rams
Stafford throws for 345 yards, but Allen throws for 346 yards. Tyler Bass kicks a game-winner.
Week 2:
Bills 1-0
Win v. Titans
Derrick Henry and Von Miller (he’s a Bill now, in case you forgot) collide on the edge. Von Miller absorbs Derrick Henry’s power and then gets 2.5 sacks, while Derrick Henry only rushes for 45 yards.
Week 3:
Bills 2-0
Loss @ Dolphins
The Bills are going to be on a short week here and it’s going to show. Tua has his most impressive game of the season.
Week 4:
Bills 2-1
Loss @ Ravens
The Bills never get anything going on offense. They have a few turnovers inside the 10-yard line.
Week 5:
Bills 2-2
Win v. Steelers
Steelers only get field goals and Josh Allen reminds everyone that he has the strength of a thousand men. 20+ point win.
Week 6:
Bills 3-2
Win @ Chiefs
The Bills are going to remember last year’s playoffs and come into this game with the fury of a 1950s husband coming home from a bad day at work. Mahomes tries to do one of his no-look passes but turns out he should’ve looked because he just threw it straight to Micah Hyde for a pick 6.
Week 7:
Bills 4-2
Bye
Week 8:
Bills 4-2
Win v. Packers
Von Miller does the same thing to AJ Dillon that he did to Derrick Henry in week 2. Aaron Rodgers has his worst game of the season.
Week 9:
Bills 5-2
Win @ Jets
The first half is close. At halftime, the Bills fill the entire locker room with smelling salts then come out and proceed to score 20 unanswered points.
Week 10:
Bills 6-2
Win v. Vikings
Stefon Diggs revenge game. Josh Allen gives Kirk Cousins a Wet Willy after the game.
Week 11:
Bills 7-2
Win v. Browns
Tre’Davious White gets a pick 6 on a screen pass. One of the teams gets a Fat Guy Touchdown.
Week 12:
Bills 8-2
Win @ Detroit
Dan Campbell attempts to open-mouth kiss Josh Allen after the game.
Week 13:
Bills 9-2
Loss @ Patriots
The Bills are going to lose at least one game to the Patriots every season as long as Belichick is their coach and Cam Newton is their QB. This year they’ll split games.
Week 14:
Bills 9-3
Win v. Jets
The Bills pick up this game where they left off in their last one. Someone accuses Dawson Knox of using PEDs because he stiff arms Sauce Gardner so hard his body creates a crater in the field causing thousands of dollars worth of damage to the turf.
Week 15:
Bills 10-3
Win v. Dolphins
Tua does the things that people who don’t like Tua think he does. That sentence makes sense and punctuation is hard.
Week 16:
Bills 11-3
Win @ Bears
Justin Fields does the things that people who don’t like Justin Fields think he does.
Week 17:
Bills 12-3
Loss @ Bengals
The Bengals have been progressing all season and their O-line can actually hold its own at this point. This game is close and Evan McPherson crushes a 50-yard field goal as time expires.
Week 18:
Bills 12-4
Win v. Patriots
One of the only games this year that home-field advantage is going to really play a part in the game. Mac Jones has a panic attack and makes a fool of himself going into the offseason.
FINAL RECORD:
13-4