I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Remember a couple of days ago when I was happy about the Falcons having only one Primetime game? It’s against the Panthers. And it’s also the Panthers' only Primetime game.
There are only a couple of offenses whose entire level of success is based purely on the health of their running back, and Christian McCaffrey has had 5 injuries in the past 2 years that have resulted in him missing 23 games. SHEESH. How many of those were bone breaks and not soft tissue injuries? A whopping zero. Double sheesh.
That man is going to get hurt this year, and it’s really gonna fuck over the Panthers.
Also picking between Baker Mayfield and Sam Darnold as a Qb is… you know… not what you want.
Week 1:
Panthers 0-0
Win v. Browns
It’ll be Baker for this game and it’ll be one of the most glorious revenge games ever. That being said, this will be one of the worst games ever.
Week 2:
Panthers 1-0
Loss @ Giants
The Giants have to win at least one game this season. In this game, the Panthers will beat themselves.
Week 3:
Panthers 1-1
Win v. Saints
Christian McCaffrey is gonna tear through the Saints' defense, and he’s going to look good doing it. A lot of people are going to do “CMC is back” tweets…. but….
Week 4:
Panthers 1-2
Loss v. Cardinals
CMC gets hurt.
Week 5:
Panthers 1-3
Loss v. 49ers
This is THE Tommy Tremble game and, of course, by that I mean he’ll get targeted 6 times on dump-offs and not catch a single one. The 49ers foursome of running backs rushes for 215 yards.
Week 6:
Panthers 1-4
Loss @ Rams
DJ Moore gets blisters on his hands from catching the ball so many times. Unfortunately, the Panthers lose by 24
Week 7:
Panthers 1-5
Loss v. Buccaneers
A foolishly close game, but Leonard Fournette ices the game out with 3 straight 12-yard runs.
Week 8:
Panthers 1-6
Loss @ Falcons
You can hear the “Fire Matt Rhule” chants on the broadcast.
Week 9:
Panthers 1-7
Loss @ Bengals
Johnny Hekker makes the Probowl because of his performance this game. Unfortunately, that means the Bengals get 500 yards of offense because every drive goes the length of the entire field.
Week 10:
Panthers 1-8
Loss v. Falcons
Matt Rhule gets fired after this game.
Week 11:
Panthers 1-9
Loss @ Ravens
New head coach, same old losing streak. Lamar sits halfway through the 3rd quarter.
Week 12:
Panthers 1-10
Loss v. Denver
Sam Darnold gets some playing time. It goes about as well as you would think it would go.
Week 13:
Panthers 1-11
Bye
Week 14:
Panthers 1-11
Win @ Seahawks
Woah! Coming out of the bye week strong.
Week 15:
Panthers 2-11
Win v. Steelers
Just like last year when they tied the Lions, this is more of a fuck up by the Steelers than a success for the Panthers.
Week 16:
Panthers 3-11
Loss v. Lions
Robbie Anderson does well, but no one gives a shit. It’s a Panthers/Lions game on Christmas Eve.
Week 17:
Panthers 3-12
Loss v. Buccaneers
Vita Vea loses another tooth, goes into a blood rage, and gets 2.5 sacks. One of them is a fumble.
Week 18:
Panthers 3-13
Win @ Saints
They end the season on a sad win, giving the fans false hope for next year.
FINAL RECORD:
4-13