I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
I do a Wordle-type game called Weddle. It’s all about the names of players. Admittedly, every time the answer is a Bears player, I lose. Like Cole Kmet? No one ever thinks of Cole Kmet. Shit, I even know Tommy Tremble, but I guess that's because it’s such an absolutely ridiculous name.
Anyway, the Bears roster is unimpressive. The only notable guy on their defense is Roquan Smith, and he doesn’t even want to be there. It's about to be a tough 5 months in Chicago.
Week 1:
Bears 0-0
Loss v. 49ers
The Niners defense is going to come out of the gate very very strong and they’ll make Justin Fields rattled. He throws an interception and he fumbles on the goalline in a double-digit loss.
Week 2:
Bears 0-1
Loss @ Packers
It doesn’t matter if Aaron Rodgers has no one to throw to, he’ll channel his third eye and annihilate the bears.
Week 3:
Bears 0-2
Win v. Texans
Gotta win some games, you know?
Week 4:
Bears 1-2
Loss @ Giants
The Giants are better than the Bears. No one will have a good game, but I don’t have to stones to predict a tie.
Week 5:
Bears 1-3
Loss @ Vikings
This defense will make Kirk Cousin not look like a total nerd.
Week 6:
Bears 1-4
Win v. Commanders
Two titans of the Gridiron: Justin Fields and Carson Wentz battle it out in what is sure to be a class Thursday night game. Carson Wentz gets shook and throws an interception, not with his left hand, but both hands, like he’s throwing a soccer ball.
Week 7:
Bears 2-4
Loss @ Patriots
This is going to be like that Pats/Falcons game from last year, where Matt Ryan went 19-28 for 153 yards. Pats win by 21.
Week 8:
Bears 2-5
Loss @ Cowboys
This is a game where Dak thrives. CeeDee also has a good game and we don’t hear the end of it.
Week 9:
Bears 2-6
Loss v. Dolphins
Tyreek Hill explodes a safety like what A-Train did to the girl in The Boys.
Week 10:
Bears 2-7
Win v. Lions
Pick up Cairo Santos on your fantasy team this week, because he’ll kick 5 35+ yard field goals.
Week 11:
Bears 3-7
Win @ Falcons
The Falcons are really going to struggle against good teams. Coincidentally, they’re also going to really struggle against bad teams, crazy.
Week 12:
Bears 4-7
Loss @ Jets
This is a game that gives Zach Wilson some swagger. Best game of his season, as a matter of fact.
Week 13:
Bears 5-7
Loss v. Packers
Yeah. I mean… yeah.
Week 14:
Bears 5-8
Bye
Week 15:
Bears 5-8
Loss v. Eagles
Jalen Hurts rushes for 80 yards and 2 Touchdowns. Justin Fields rushes for 6 yards and Brandon Graham strip sacks him for a scoop and score.
Week 16:
Bears 5-9
Loss v. Bills
Stephon Diggs gets a touchdown, but it’s one of these where the guy runs the width of the field on the goalline. We’re all embarrassed for the Bears, but not a soul is shocked.
Week 17:
Bears 5-10
Loss @ Lions
The Bears split games with the Lions.
Week 18:
Bears 5-11
Loss v. Vikings
Brutal way to end the season. Chicago in January with a double-digit loss.
FINAL RECORD:
5-12