I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
We were all shocked last year when the Bengals did well. We all thought the Bengals were a bunch of loser weirdos who fucked off and hurt the good players on the teams they played.
To be fair, we were right, but we were shocked.
Now they have guys, they have coaches, and they have a system that shows it can be successful.
I’ve been very outspoken about my thoughts on Joe Burrow. Yeah, he’s a great player and all that, but he’s at a level of cool that will end up being a social detriment to himself. The Bengals are in a spot where they’ll be a great team that sticks around for quite some time, and we’ll get a lot of Joe Burrow exposure and it’ll turn into too much exposure, and we’ll all start hating on the pervert glasses that he wears. But again, don’t get me wrong, I do like Joe Burrow.
Their Offensive line sucks ass though.
Week 1:
Bengals 0-0
Win v. Steelers
If Jessie Bates is still on the team by the time this game happens he’ll get a back-breaking interception. If he’s not on the team, whoever the Steelers’ QB is (it doesn’t matter) will throw a backbreaking incomplete pass.
Week 2:
Bengals 1-0
Win @ Cowboys
This game might have a hundred points and less than 100 rushing yards. Evan McPherson kicks a 50-yard game-winner that looks good from 65.
Week 3:
Bengals 2-0
Win @ Jets
Bengals win by, I don’t know, 28? Might be more.
Week 4:
Bengals 3-0
Loss v. Dolphins
This is a game that cements how good the Hill/Waddle combo in Miami actually is. The Dolphins always play well on Thursday nights.
Week 5:
Bengals 3-1
Loss @ Ravens
Remember how sad it was when people just passed right through Casper the friendly ghost when he was trying to make physical contact? The Ravens’ D-Line is gonna do that to the Bengals’ O-Line, and it’ll be the same amount of sad, but a different kind of sad.
Week 6:
Bengals 3-2
Win @ Saints
Two weeks of tough defenses in a row, but this time the Bengals come out on top.
Week 7:
Bengals 4-2
Win v. Falcons
Joe Mixon brings two pairs of shoes this game because he wears through his first pair halfway through the 3rd quarter. Ja’Marr Griddies so hard he pulls a tricep.
Week 8:
Bengals 5-2
Loss @ Browns
These teams split games and it reignites a war for Ohio.
Week 9:
Bengals 5-3
Win v. Panthers
The Bengals put in Brandon Allen in the third quarter to give Joe Burrow an extra 25 minutes on his bye week.
Week 10
Bengals 6-3
Bye
Week 11:
Bengals 6-3
Win @ Steelers
This game is much closer than the first game. It’ll go into overtime and once again, Evan McPherson seals it on the second possession.
Week 12:
Bengals 7-3
Win @ Titans
The Titans' offense CRUSHES the time of possession 45 minutes to 15 minutes. Ja’Marr gets two 60+ yard touchdowns.
Week 13:
Bengals 8-3
Win v. Chiefs
As much as the Chiefs want to get revenge for last season’s AFC Championship game, they fall incredibly flat when Mahomes tries to do a behind-the-back pitch. It gets caught on his jersey or something stupid like that.
Week 14:
Bengals 9-3
Win v. Browns
Ohio has no king.
Week 15:
Bengals 10-3
Win @ Buccaneers
The Buccaneers’ O-Line is gonna be in shambles. TB has a foolishly bad game.
Week 16:
Bengals 11-3
Loss @ Patriots
The Bengals’ long ball doesn’t work because it’s cold and they put the game on Joe Mixon. Belichick shuts him down.
Week 17:
Bengals 11-4
Win v. Bills
Josh Allen and Joe Burrow dap each other up at the end of the game and the hand collision is so strong it destroys the foundations of all the homes within a 6-mile radius of the stadium.
Week 18:
Bengals 12-4
Loss v. Ravens
There is someone on the Bengals’ O-Line doing a sober January. He gets embarrassed in such an aggressive fashion that he falls into a depressive spiral and he starts drinking even more than before and doesn’t get signed for the next season.
FINAL RECORD:
12-5