I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
We all love to hate a villain. Similarly, we all love to hate total weirdo fuck head perverts.
Welcome, Browns.
Remember how they got Baker and there was a minute when everyone thought the Browns might have a chance of being good in a few years? Well. Here we are. A few years later and the Browns are still a total shitfest.
The Browns have a good offensive line, defensive line, and running game, but somehow that’s not enough for them to be consistently threatening to other teams. There are a few teams like the Browns (Chargers and Jets) that no matter what they do, they find a way to lose. That inconsistency is going to be predictably consistent through, yet again, another season.
Week 1:
Browns 0-0
Loss @ Panthers
If Baker is starting for the Panthers, and he better be, this is going to be a hall-of-fame level revenge game. Panthers stink, Browns stink, but I believe in Baker’s spite.
Week 2:
Browns 0-1
Loss v. Jets
Here’s a fun question: Is Zach Wilson better than Jacoby Brissett? Here’s a surprisingly unexpected answer: Yes.
Week 3:
Browns 0-2
Loss v. Steelers
Classic Thursday night game where the score is 14-10
Week 4:
Browns 0-3
Win @ Falcons
Gotta win some games, ya know?
Week 5:
Browns 1-3
Loss v. Chargers
475 total yards to 215 total yards. Guess which team is which.
Week 6:
Browns 1-4
Loss v. Patriots
Myles Garret makes a fool out of Mac Jones. Bill Belichick makes a fool out of the 52 other people on the Browns’ roster.
Week 7:
Browns 1-5
Loss @ Ravens
Deshaun’s first game back is against the Ravens. I would say, “God help his soul” but I hope he gets hit in the nuts and the force of his cup explodes his pelvis.
Week 8:
Browns 1-6
Win @ Bengals
Unfortunately, this is a game where Deshaun does well and it makes the Browns’ front office feel good about the contract they gave him. To make matters worse, it happens on a Monday night.
Week 9:
Browns 2-6
Bye
Week 10:
Browns 2-6
Loss @ Dolphins
Jadeveon Clowney has a dirty hit on that takes Tua out for the rest of the game. Too bad it happened when they were down 14 points in the 3rd quarter and the Browns aren’t able to make it back.
Week 11:
Browns 2-7
Loss @ Bills
Yikes, 35-10? Probably a bigger blowout than that.
Week 12:
Browns 2-8
Win v. Buccaneers
The fragility of the Buccaneers shows in this game. Nick Chubb runs over everyone, somehow including Vita Vea, and the Browns grind out a gross-looking win.
Week 13:
Browns 3-8
Loss @ Texans
Deshaun doesn’t deserve a revenge game, so is this the first time there’s ever been a franchise-to-player revenge game? Probably.
Week 14:
Browns 3-9
Loss @ Bengals
The camera shows Joe Burrow hocking a loogie in his hand before he shakes Deshaun’s hand after the game. Deshaun doesn’t see it happen and we all have a good laugh.
Week 15:
Browns 3-10
Loss v. Ravens
Mark Andrews stiff-arms 3 guys and carries another one into the endzone on a game-winning touchdown.
Week 16:
Browns 3-11
Win v. Saints
At this point, something has gone terribly, terribly wrong in the Saints’ season. Amari Cooper picks on some 2nd or 3rd string Safety
Week 17:
Browns 4-11
Win @ Commanders
Jadeveon Clowney makes eye contact with Carson Wentz before the game. Wentz is rattled before he takes the field and has a 2020-esque game.
Week 18:
Browns 5-11
Loss @ Steelers
TJ Watt has waited all season to have his shot at Deshaun. He takes those shots early and often, getting 3.5 sacks to end his season.
FINAL RECORD:
5-12