I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
It’s important to get a factual statement out of the way first: Fuck Dallas.
This is one of the harder ones of these that I’ve had to write. Not only do I have to set aside my bias, but I have to also be realistic about how bad the Cowboys are going to be and also how well their schedule is going to help them. The NFC East is playing an incredibly easy schedule and the Cowboys get to play the Eagles on the Eagles’ third away game in a row. It’s kind of bullshit.
That being said, they’ve also gotten rid of some of their top talent, doubled down on some of their worst talents, been hit by injuries, and they have a coach whose day job is dressing up like Grimace and playing the part well being himself.
Week 1:
Cowboys 0-0
Loss v. Buccaneers
Normally I would say Tom Brady playing after 8 pm is a bad thing, but this is the first game of the season. It’s a rematch of week 1 from last year and it turns out the exact same way.
Week 2:
Cowboys 0-1
Loss v. Bengals
Trevon Diggs learns very quickly that if you don’t get an interception every game and get blown out of your coverage, then you’re just a bad DB. Being unbiased is hard.
Week 3:
Cowboys 0-2
Win @ Giants
Trevon gets his first interception here and Micah Parsons gets 2 sacks.
Week 4:
Cowboys 1-2
Win v. Commanders
This is Carson Wentz's first game against Micah Parsons. It doesn’t go well from the jump.
Week 5:
Cowboys 2-2
Loss @ Rams
Dak gets picked and Zeke fumbles inside their own 25. Cooper Kupp slips and falls twice on the same route, and still beats Trevon Diggs by 5 yards.
Week 6:
Cowboys 2-3
Loss @ Eagles
Zeke tries to do that thing where he plays well against the Eagles. Jordan Davis has different plans.
Week 7:
Cowboys 2-4
Win v. Lions
This is the Tony Pollard game that every talks about for the rest of the season.
Week 8:
Cowboys 3-4
Win v. Bears
23-year-old Justin Fields jukes 30-year-old DeMarcus Lawrence out of his socks, shoes, and somehow his pants, leaving him laying on the ground bare-assed and embarrassed. Unfortunately, he gets crushed by Micah Parsons immediately after.
Week 9:
Cowboys 4-4
Bye
Week 10:
Cowboys 4-4
Win @ Packers
Week 10 is about the time when Aaron Rodgers has a slump. At some point, the camera zooms in on his face and it looks like he’s getting headbutted in the dick.
Week 11:
Cowboys 5-4
Loss @ Vikings
Big Kirk Cousins and Justin Jefferson game. Kellen Moore sweats through his make-up and shows that he’s not a 16-year-old, but instead a 3000-year-old witch.
Week 12:
Cowboys 5-5
Win v. Giants
The Cowboys win and it makes Thanksgiving dinner taste worse.
Week 13:
Cowboys 6-5
Loss v. Colts
JT rushes for 150 yards and 3 touchdowns. Zeke rushes for 14 yards and 0 first downs.
Week 14:
Cowboys 6-6
Win v. Texans
Zeke finally has a good game and Jerry Jones falls back in love and immediately signs him for 4 more years. Then I wake up from my nap to a final score of 24-3.
Week 15:
Cowboys 7-6
Win @ Jaguars
Michael Gallup comes back too early just to hurt himself again. Coincidentally, it's on another sick touchdown reception.
Week 16:
Cowboys 8-6
Win v. Eagles
The Eagles are on a 3 game road trip and that almost always ends poorly, ruining everyone's Christmas.
Week 17:
Cowboys 9-6
Loss @ Titans
The Cowboys never signed a good kicker and it finally bites them, whenever whoever their kicker ends up being, misses a 35-yard chip shot as time expires.
Week 18:
Cowboys 9-7
Win @ Commanders
The Commanders' season has absolutely imploded, giving the Cowboys an easy path to the Wildcard spot.
FINAL RECORD:
10-7