I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
My biggest issue with Russell Wilson is that he’s so good that his fuckheadery never makes him hated. If anyone else in the world did the things he did we would bash and bully them into non-existence. He has such a small amount of self-awareness that anything that gets said to him, he either shrugs it off like a dick head, or he thinks it's a compliment. He sucks.
The Broncos were a “Quarterback away” team last year, and now they got him. Unfortunately for them, the AFC West is gonna eat itself alive.
Week 1:
Broncos 0-0
Win @ Seahawks
100% chance there is a press conference where Russell Wilson gets asked if this is a revenge game and he’ll say he doesn’t believe in revenge. What a fuck.
Week 2:
Broncos 1-0
Win @ Texans
Jerry Jeudy is the new Tyler Lockett and this is the game where he proves that. 115 receiving yards and 2 touchdowns.
Week 3:
Broncos 2-0
Win @ 49ers
Russell Wilson knows how to play the 49ers. He’ll be the only quarterback who’s able to pick them apart.
Week 4:
Broncos 3-0
Loss @ Raiders
They’ll split games with the Raiders. Devante Adams mosses Pat Surtain and it’s the next Madden cover.
Week 5:
Broncos 3-1
Loss v. Colts
Jonathan Taylor goes BIG MODE on Thursday nights. Bradley Chubb is the unfortunate recipient of this particular BIG MODE.
Week 6:
Broncos 3-2
Win @ Chargers
2 things at play here:
1. Broncos get a mini-bye week.
2. Chargers lose important games in the last 2 minutes.
Week 7:
Broncos 4-2
Loss v. Jets
The Jets always win a game that they have no business winning. Russell Wilson says some dork shit in his press conference and we make fun of him on Twitter, but he doesn’t care.
Week 8:
Broncos 4-3
Win @ Jaguars
Jaguars won the London game last year so they’ll lose this year. It’s fate.
Week 9:
Broncos 5-3
Bye
Week 10:
Broncos 5-3
Win @ Titans
Derrick Henry puts the team on his back, but McManus seals it with 2 minutes left.
Week 11:
Broncos 6-3
Win v. Raiders
The Broncos win this time around. Jerry Jeudy catches a ball that’s in the air for like 8 seconds.
Week 12:
Broncos 7-3
Win @ Panthers
If Matt Rhule is still there, he’ll have something on his smock the entire game that looks like a booger. In the Post Game press conference, someone will ask him about it and we’ll find out that it’s just a dollop of sweet relish.
Week 13:
Broncos 8-3
Win @ Ravens
The Ravens get ahead by 21 points, but the Broncos come back in the 4th quarter then everyone calls the Ravens frauds. That's what happens to the Ravens in week 13s.
Week 14:
Broncos 9-3
Loss v. Chiefs
Mahomes throws a dumb interception, and the collective sigh of relief in Denver creates an unseasonable warm front through the Midwest, taking my Zoysia out of dormancy.
Week 15:
Broncos 9-4
Win v. Cardinals
If your question is: Can the cardinals win important games late in the season? The answer is: Absolutely not, you dumbass.
Week 16:
Broncos 10-4
Loss @ Rams
This is a game that everyone thinks there will be 80 points, but it ends up being 21-10.
Week 17:
Broncos 10-5
Win @ Chiefs
The camera only caught Russell Wilson running a shadow 2-minute drill one time. Turns out he does them all the time, and unfortunately, they help him win this one.
Week 18:
Broncos 11-5
Loss v. Chargers
Even though they try to, the Chargers don’t choke this one away. They probably get saved by a phantom DPI or something lame.
FINAL RECORD:
11-6