I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
When Justin Tucker drilled the 66-yard field goal to kill the Lions last year, everyone’s heart broke. Even if you’re not a football guy, you had a Yoda-esque moment where you felt something bad happen. If that kick was just 64 yards and not the record-breaking one that it was, we would all motherfuck Justin Tucker to the moon.
It was at that moment that I became very confident in something: The Lions are America's team. We all celebrate when they win and we all lose a bit of ourselves when they lose in the final seconds of a game.
That’s what makes this season kind of weird. We get to see the Lions in Hard Knocks, and it’s been awesome, but they have zero Primetime games. Like, I get it… but… come on, they’ve earned a spotlight.
Week 1:
Lions 0-0
Loss v. Eagles
We all get the reminder that just because we watched your preseason in very gritty detail, you’re not a team that is ready to win right off that bat. Especially when that team beat you 44-6 last year.
Week 2:
Lions 0-1
Win v. Commanders
They’re coming in strong for this game. D’Andre Swift to absolutely destroy a (probably) Chase Young-less Commanders team.
Week 3:
Lions 1-1
Loss @ Vikings
Justin Jefferson gets more yards than the entire Lions' Offense. The broadcast team is mean and puts that stat on the screen for waaaaay too long.
Week 4:
Lions 1-2
Win v. Seattle
The long-awaited battle between Jared Goff and Drew Lock. Final score 10-7.
Week 5:
Lions 2-2
Loss @ Patriots
Aiden Hutchinson is only 4 inches taller than Mac Jones, but he looks a foot taller than him. Unfortunately for the Lions, Bill Belichick files for a restraining order for Mac against Aidan, once again skirting the rules and we all blame him for cheating.
Week 6:
Lions 2-3
Bye
Week 7:
Lions 2-3
Loss @ Cowboys
This is the game that has the plays that make up for 75% of the Cowboys’ highlight reel for the season.
Week 8:
Lions 2-4
Loss v. Dolphins
Mike McDaniel and Dan Campbell are two polar opposite people. Their teams have polar opposite scores.
Week 9:
Lions 2-5
Loss v. Packers
Aaron Rodger took a mid-season ayahuasca retreat. He still cooks the Lions.
Week 10:
Lions 2-6
Loss @ Bears
Aidan Hutchinson makes Justin Fields remember that Michigan beat Ohio State last year. Justin Fields doesn’t really care because he wins this game.
Week 11:
Lions 2-7
Win @ Giants
This is the passing of the torch for the title of “hilariously bad team of the decade”. The Giants are going to have a bad next 8 years.
Week 12:
Lions 3-7
Loss v. Bills
The Lions lose on Thanksgiving and we all take some BIG MODE shits in the morning. It’s just what happens.
Week 13:
Lions 3-8
Loss v. Jaguars
No one expects it, but this ends up being one of the better games of the weekend. Trevor Lawrence puts the team on his back in a 2-minute drill.
Week 14:
Lions 3-9
Win v. Vikings
Dalvin Cook is probably out, right? The Lions go BIG MODE and drown them in shallow water, or whatever the fuck Dan Campbell said in that speech.
Week 15:
Lions 4-9
Loss @ Jets
Once again, the Lions are high on themselves. Once again they lose immediately after.
Week 16:
Lions 4-10
Win @ Panthers
Whoever has replaced Matt Rhule is going to be worse than Matt Rhule. Dan Campbell sees this and somehow calls the game with the best posture of any coach in history.
Week 17:
Lions 5-10
Win v. Bears
They split games with the Bears. This is the battle for last place in the NFC North.
Week 18:
Lions 6-10
Loss @ Packers
Aaron Rodgers’ addiction to ayahuasca has been a gateway to things much worse. He went to an Opium Den on the day before this game, and once again, cooks the Lions.
FINAL RECORD:
6-11