I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
I used to work at a tree service with a bunch of ex-cons, guys who used to do meth, and guys who were currently doing meth. Sometimes they were all three. Those guys took better care of themselves than Aaron Rodgers.
We’ve all been surprised at how Tom Brady has been able to avoid injuries, and you might find this hard to believe, but Tom Brady is a little bit of an outlier. CRAZY, I know.
I’m done with saying, “Tom is one big hit away from ending his career” and now I’m all in on “Aaron is one big hit away from ending his career”. Will that happen this year? Fuck if I know.
Week 1:
Packers 0-0
Loss @ Vikings
Last year the Packers got absolutely humiliated in week 1 by the Saints. I see no reason why that won’t happen again this year.
Week 2:
Packers 0-1
Win v. Bears
Hey, guess what? The Packers are leaps and bounds better than the Bears.
Week 3:
Packers 1-1
Loss @ Buccaneers
Just some old man shit here. The better old man wins.
Week 4:
Packers 1-2
Win v. Patriots
It’s going to be hard for Bill Belichick to game plan for this, because everything the Packers do is so middling, that nothing really stands out. It’s the AJ Dillon game.
Week 5:
Packers 2-2
Win v. Giants
The Giants get embarrassed in London, making them internationally laughable.
Week 6:
Packers 3-2
Loss @ Jets
The Packers don’t get a bye week after going overseas. Sucks to be them.
Week 7:
Packers 3-3
Win @ Commanders
Carson Wentz isn’t going to play this game because he’s fucked up royally the last 2 weeks. Taylor Heineke both literally and figuratively fumbles his opportunity.
Week 8:
Packers 4-3
Loss @ Bills
This looks like it’s a good game on paper, but it ends up being an absolute thrashing by the Bills.
Week 9:
Packers 4-4
Win @ Lions
Has Aaron ever lost to the Lions in Detroit? Probably not.
Week 10:
Packers 5-4
Loss v. Cowboys
Mike McCarthy revenge game. He buys a watermelon from a Wisconsin farm, giving the Cowboys the power to actually run an offense in Greenbay.
Week 11:
Packers 5-5
Loss @ Titans
Derrick Henry does some wild-ass Derrick Henry shit and stiff arms 12 guys on one play. It’s 9 separate guys, it’s just that 2 guys get it twice.
Week 12:
Packers 5-6
Win @ Eagles
It just comes down to one coach out-handsoming the other. Also, Jalen Hurts always just comes close to beating the Packers, but he can never quite do it.
Week 13:
Packers 6-6
Win @ Bears
Aaron Rodgers buys property in Chicago just so he can run for mayor at some point in the future. Then he throws for 350 yards and 4 touchdowns.
Week 14:
Packers 7-6
Bye
Week 15:
Packers 7-6
Win v. Rams
The Rams playing in Greenbay in December? That’s a disaster waiting to happen.
Week 16:
Packers 8-6
Win @ Dolphins
The Packers are going to travel to Miami early in the week so they can have a nice vacation. They’ll be nice and refreshed going into this game and shut down everything Miami tries to do.
Week 17:
Packers 9-6
Win v. Vikings
They’ll split games with the Vikings. Cross your fingers for a snow game.
Week 18:
Packers 10-6
Win v. Lions
Has Aaron ever lost to the Lions in Greenbay? Probably not.
FINAL RECORD:
11-6