I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
The most notable thing about the Texans is who isn’t on their team.
I mean, what an absolute nothing burger of a team. Did you know their coach is Lovie Smith? Like, what the fuck? Who cares?
Week 1:
Texans 0-0
Loss v. Colts
Jonathan Taylor starts off his season exactly where he wants: by rushing for 125 yards, 2 touchdowns, and juking someone’s eyes out of their sockets. Luckily that guy has a visor on his helmet so it’s not that gross.
Week 2:
Texans 0-1
Loss @ Broncos
Jerry Jeudy literally, not metaphorically, breaks Steven Nelson’s ankles. The second game in a row with a big injury delay.
Week 3:
Texans 0-2
Loss @ Bears
Davis Mills tries his best to not look like a buffoon. The keyword there is “tries”.
Week 4:
Texans 0-3
Loss v. Chargers
The Chargers win easy games. Chase Daniels probably plays for half of the game.
Week 5:
Texans 0-4
Win @ Jaguars
Lovie Smith’s weird old-school coaching somehow outperforms Doug Pederson’s meat and potatoes style of coaching. 17-7.
Week 6:
Texans 1-4
Bye
Week 7:
Texans 1-4
Loss @ Raiders
Davis Mills breaks the record for the longest time spent as a shooter at a craps table the night before. It shows, but he doesn’t care.
Week 8:
Texans 1-5
Win v. Titans
Against all odds, the Texans shut down Derrick Henry. Most likely due to a statistically improbable consecutive number of accidental trips by the defensive line.
Week 9:
Texans 2-5
Loss v. Eagles
Jason Kelce pancakes every single person on the defense throughout the game, establishing another All-Pro season.
Week 10:
Texans 2-6
Win @ Giants
Daniel Jones and Davis Mills compete for the dorkiest looking human alive. Daniel Jones wins that, but loses the game.
Week 11:
Texans 3-6
Loss v. Commanders
Carson Wentz finally has a game where he has over a 49% completion percentage. It’s 50%.
Week 12:
Texans 3-7
Win @ Dolphins
Tua does that thing where he underthrows his receivers. Fortunately, the Texans’ corners are so slow that they are in a perfect position to pick him off 3 times.
Week 13:
Texans 4-7
Win v. Browns
Texans revenge game. Deshaun has a mental breakdown because he’s in Houston and not shoving a masseuse’s hand into his asshole and he gets sacked 4.5 times.
Week 14:
Texans 5-7
Loss @ Cowboys
Lovie Smith and Mike McCarthy try to out-doofus each other. Lovie Smith cements himself as the bigger doofus.
Week 15:
Texans 5-8
Win @ Chiefs
Patrick Mahomes thinks that this is the game where he can get every highlight play for the season and fumbles once and throws 2 interceptions. Ka’imi Fairbairn wins it.
Week 16:
Texans 6-8
Loss @ Titans
We find out that Derrick Henry has an unhealthy coping mechanism for losing a game. He bottles up all the frustration from week 8 and unleashes it on the field, smooshing the entire Texans D-Line into a blood-clot-ridden pulp.
Week 17:
Texans 6-9
Loss v. Jaguars
Davis Mills has his best game of the season by throwing for 300 yards. We’re proud of him, and give him some sad “Atta boys” as he walks to the locker room in defeat.
Week 18:
Texans 6-10
Win @ Colts
The Colts are playing their back-ups and the Texans absolutely FEAST.
FINAL RECORD:
7-10