I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Matt Ryan is the PERFECT name for a guy living in Indiana.
I can only assume that was the key factor for Matt Ryan going to the Colts this offseason. It’s truly the best culture fit for any player in the entire NFL.
You can take the production of the Colts from last year and multiply it by about 150%. Carson Wentz (arguably) single-handedly stopped the Colts from getting into the playoffs last year, so anyone could really improve this team, but Matt Ryan’s stagnant and mediocre play style is really going to make this team pop.
I do not like Carson Wentz.
Week 1:
Colts 0-0
Win @ Texans
Remember that scene from Season 1 of One Punch Man, where Genos destroys that tower? That's what it looks like when Jonathan Taylor goes through the Texans’ D-Line.
Week 2:
Colts 1-0
Loss @ Jaguars
The Colts don’t win in Jacksonville. Plain and simple.
Week 3:
Colts 1-1
Win v. Chiefs
Patrick Mahomes and Matt Ryan are polar opposite players. Matt’s simple, boring, and straightforward play style perseveres.
Week 4:
Colts 2-1
Loss v. Titans
They’ll split games with the Titans. This may be the quickest game in history.
Week 5:
Colts 2-2
Win @ Broncos
Shaq Leonard is going to show why he’s going by Shaq now. He goes BIG MODE on the Broncos and forces 3 fumbles.
Week 6:
Colts 3-2
Win v. Jaguars
God hates Jags and Frank Reich is very religious.
Week 7:
Colts 4-2
Win @ Titans
Same as the last game, just a different ending. It sure would’ve been cooler if this happened later in the season.
Week 8:
Colts 5-2
Win v. Commanders
Colts revenge game. Shaq takes out his anger towards Wentz from last season and rattles him on the first drive.
Week 9:
Colts 6-2
Win @ Patriots
Bill Belichick shuts down Jonathan Taylor. He forgets that Michael Pittman exists and he does just good enough (which is his ceiling) to help win the game.
Week 10:
Colts 7-2
Loss @ Raiders
Seeing as how Derek Carr is like a younger, but dipshittier sounding version of Matt Ryan, this game is going to be close. Daniel Carlson ends as time expires.
Week 11:
Colts 7-3
Loss @ Eagles
Jonathan Taylor is good, undoubtedly. Jordan Davis and Brandon Graham wreck his day.
Week 12:
Colts 7-4
Win v. Steelers
Will it be Kenny Pickett or Mitch? Doesn’t matter, they lose by 14.
Week 13:
Colts 8-4
Win @ Cowboys
Sunday Night in early December is a great time for the Cowboys to absolutely choke a game away in the 4th quarter. So that’s exactly what happens.
Week 14:
Colts 9-4
Bye
Week 15:
Colts 9-4
Win @ Vikings
Dalvin Cook misses 4-5 games a year, so odds are good that week 15 would be one that he misses. Shaq beats up on Kirk mentally, physically, emotionally, and oddly socially.
Week 16:
Colts 10-4
Win v. Chargers
There’s going to be a bunch of hype for Brandon Staley going into this game because he’ll have had a good press conference the week before. He’ll do some stupid nerd shit and lose the game.
Week 17:
Colts 11-4
Win @ Giants
Half of the Giants roster is going to be injured or dead. Jonathan Taylor rushes for 115 yards.
Week 18:
Colts 12-4
Loss v. Texans
Colts will be resting starters and Davis Mills will look… just okay.
FINAL RECORD:
12-5