I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Few people have as good of a “Why the fuck did you ask me that question? You stupid dick.” face during a press conference as Doug Pederson. He’s also one of the 6 active head coaches who have won a Superbowl.
If there’s one guy who can turn around a ship that was once helmed by an absolute dickhead like Urban Meyer, Doug is that guy.
I like Doug.
Week 1:
Jaguars 0-0
Win @ Commanders
Doug Pederson v. Carson Wentz is a fantastic match-up. Doug is going to demand that Carson gets sacked no less than 4 times this game.
Week 2:
Jaguars 1-0
Win v. Colts
The Colts can substitute their entire team for the Army of the Dead from Lord of the Rings and they still couldn’t beat the Jags in Jacksonville
Week 3:
Jaguars 2-0
Loss @ Chargers
Everyone jumps on the Justin Herbert for MVP train here. He throws for 325 and 3 touchdowns.
Week 4:
Jaguars 2-1
Loss @ Eagles
Doug gets between 10 and 15 standing ovations. AJ Brown and Devonta Smith combine for 200 yards and 3 touchdowns.
Week 5:
Jaguars 2-2
Loss v. Texans
The only reason anyone watches this game is the hopes for one of the player picture illustrators to get weird and draw a picture of Trevor Lawrence with Davis Mills’ long neck. They call him Trevis Lills.
Week 6:
Jaguars 2-3
Loss @ Colts
Now that the Jags have to play in Indy, we get to see how the game would actually play out with an otherworldly influence. Matt Ryan only has to throw for 175 and then run the clock out.
Week 7:
Jaguars 2-4
Win v. Giants
Josh Allen abuses Daniel Jones so much that the highlights on Instagram all get the “Sensitive Content” warning.
Week 8:
Jaguars 2-5
Loss v. Broncos
Russell Wilson picks apart the Jaguars’ defense in such a dominant fashion that Doug Pederson passes out. His blood pressure gets so high that his visor cuts off the circulation to his brain and he straight up falls over on the sideline.
Week 9:
Jaguars 2-6
Loss v. Raiders
Same thing as last week, but this time there’s someone next to Doug Pederson to catch him.
Week 10:
Jaguars 2-7
Loss @ Chiefs
The Jaguars have one of those games where coaches say they’re just going to throw away the tape. The bad news for them is that every highlight is spread all around Twitter and they end up seeing all of it.
Week 11:
Jaguars 2-8
Bye
Week 12
Jaguars 2-8
Win v. Ravens
The Ravens are due to lose a meaningless game in November just so everyone can talk about how they aren’t very good.
Week 13:
Jaguars 3-8
Win @ Lions
Dan Campbell is a younger, less successful version of Doug Pederson. He realizes this when he shakes hands with Doug after the game and he walks off the field crying.
Week 14:
Jaguars 4-8
Win @ Titans
They’ll split games with the Titans. Trevor Lawrence and Christian Kirk connect for 125 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Week 15:
Jaguars 5-8
Loss v. Cowboys
Travis Etienne does Travis Etienne things and rushes for 100 yards. Too bad it doesn’t matter because their defense sucks and the Cowboys win 24-17.
Week 16:
Jaguars 5-9
Win @ Jets
The Jaguars’ defense might be bad, but the Jets’ defense is worse in every way. Trevor Lawrence throws 3 touchdowns and Travis Etienne rushes for 2.
Week 17:
Jaguars 6-9
Win @ Texans
Tervis Lills shows up on screen again. No one sees it because there are a whopping 12 people watching this game.
Week 18:
Jaguars 7-9
Loss v. Titans
This time Derrick Henry does that play where he runs around the edge and stiff arms a DB into one of the moons of Jupiter.
FINAL RECORD:
7-10