I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
I’m in a tough spot. Geographically.
In St. Louis, a lot of people transferred their fandom to the Chiefs after the Rams left. Which sucks because once they did that, the Chiefs had a couple of years of being mediocre before they started to be good. That means the new fans couldn’t necessarily be classified as front runners, but they did get nearly immediate success.
And if there’s one predominant trait that I have, it’s that I HATE when people around me are happy when I’m not.
Luckily, Kansas City got hit with a metaphorical earthquake this offseason and things have been shaken up, to say the least. Yes, Mahomes is the best player on their team, but the best positional group on their team got Thanos snapped.
Their Wide Reciever room went from Tryeek Hill, Mecole Hardman, Byron Pringle, and Demarcus Robinson to JuJu, Skky Moore, Mecole Hardman, and Some guy named Daurice Fountain. YIKES.
Week 1:
Chiefs 0-0
Loss @ Cardinals
They’ll lose because Arizona does well at the beginning of the season. Even though Arizona won’t have Nuke, they’ll come in clutch with some dumb plays and the Chiefs’ defense will start classically pathetic.
Week 2:
Chiefs 0-1
Win v. Chargers
The Chargers are gonna do Chargers things and lose this game in the last 2 minutes of the game. That’s what they do in important games.
Week 3:
Chiefs 1-1
Loss @ Colts
This will be a game where everyone gets all in on Matt Ryan in Indianapolis and someone will say Matt Ryan is doing better with this Colt’s team than Andrew Luck would.
Week 4:
Chiefs 1-2
Loss @ Buccaneers
Tom Brady will always win against Andy Reid.
Week 5:
Chiefs 1-3
Loss v. Raiders
This is a Primetime game and Mahomes will have some REALLY bad-looking turnovers that will get a lot of attention, but people will say they aren’t his fault.
Week 6:
Chiefs 1-4
Loss v. Bills
Buffalo is gonna be very hungry to redeem their loss in the playoffs last year, even though the shaking in Arrowhead is going to register on the Richter scale.
Week 7:
Chiefs 1-5
Win @ 49ers
Andy Reid doesn’t lose 5 games in a row.
Week 8:
Chiefs 2-5
Bye
Week 9:
Chiefs 2-5
Win v. Titans
Andy Reid doesn’t lose out of a Bye week
Week 10
Chiefs 3-5
Win v. Jaguars
It’ll be a close game. Maybe the Chiefs win by 3. They’re gonna looking ahead to next week against the Chargers.
Week 11:
Chiefs 4-5
Win @ Chargers
Same thing as week 2.
Week 12:
Chiefs 5-5
Loss v. Rams
This is going to be a very good game that the Chiefs lose in overtime
Week 13:
Chiefs 5-6
Loss @ Bengals
They’re gonna be super bummed out because of the loss and the Bengals are gonna stop them.
Week 14:
Chiefs 5-7
Win @ Broncos
They’re gonna split games with the Broncos. I bet they win the first one, especially after a 2 games losing streak.
Week 15:
Chiefs 6-7
Loss @ Texans
3 game road trip? They’ll lose this one because teams hardly ever in the last game on a 3 game road trip.
Week 16:
Chiefs 6-8
Win v. Seahawks
The Seahawks stink, you guys.
Week 17:
Chiefs 7-8
Loss v. Broncos
Again, they’ll split games with the Broncos.
Week 18:
Chiefs 7-9
Win @ Raiders
Raiders are going to be sitting their starters because they’ll already have won the AFC West.
FINAL RECORD:
Chiefs 8-9
You’re welcome.