I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Derek. Josh. Hunter. Dillon. Darren. Kolton. Lester. Just a bunch of fucking nerds, these guys.
Here’s the thing though: in 2022 nerds are good at football. These Nerds are going to be really good at football. As a matter of fact, these nerds are going to be the offense that wins the AFC West.
They got Davante Adams from Green Bay this offseason, and I’m in the boat that his presence is going to make their offense crazy good. By the end of last season, they were working with Hunter Renfrow as their consistent WR1. The 2 sides of the coin that is the Davante Adams acquisition, are that:
1. He’ll draw a lot of attention so other receivers can get open
2. Hunter Renfrow will score more, meaning we’ll have to see pictures of his dumb-looking face more.
Also, the Raiders’ defense is fucking stacked dude.
Week 1:
Raiders 0-0
Win @ Chargers
Nothing more “Chargers” than the Chargers getting pumped up all through the offseason, just for them to dick away a win in the 4th quarter of their first game.
Week 2:
Raiders 1-0
Win v. Cardinals
Just another instance of a revenge game where a defensive end gets to take out his frustration on his old team. This time starring Chandler Jones who gets 3 sacks and keeps Kyler from going BIG MODE.
Week 3:
Raiders 2-0
Win @ Titans
Derrick Henry rushes for 10 fewer yards than Davante gets receiving yards. Doesn’t matter the totals, it’s just gonna happen.
Week 4:
Raiders 3-0
Win v. Broncos
They’ll split games with the Broncos. This one comes down to Russell Wilson trying to throw a moonball to Courtland Sutton, but Johnathan Abram breaks it up.
Week 5:
Raiders 4-0
Win @ Chiefs
Mahomes with a no-look pass. Whoops, he threw it to Maxx Crosby for a pick 6.
Week 6:
Raiders 5-0
Bye
Week 7:
Raiders 5-0
Win v. Texans
Derek Carr never leaves the pocket even one time. There’s such a lack of a pass rush that he breaks the record of “Longest time to throw” at 30 seconds.
Week 8:
Raiders 6-0
Loss @ Saints
This is more about Jameis going crazy and having a 4 touchdown game. That way he can catch up to the 15 interceptions that he’s thrown so far.
Week 9:
Raiders 6-1
Win @ Jaguars
Davante Adams has been covered up by most defenses so far this year, that the Jaguars straight up forget about him. He has one touchdown for 60 yards that he catches off a slant, and another one where he is so wide open, you’d think it was a trick play.
Week 10:
Raiders 7-1
Win v. Colts
It’s a fact that no one from the state of Indiana has ever been to Las Vegas. The Colts do not represent the state well.
Week 11:
Raiders 8-1
Loss @ Broncos
This time Russell Wilson does connect on that same exact moonball to Courtland Sutton. Courtland Sutton is His new DK Metcalf if you haven’t guessed.
Week 12:
Raiders 8-2
Win @ Seahawks
I know this sounds crazy, but Drew Lock actually dies in this game.
Week 13:
Raiders 9-2
Loss v. Chargers
Austin Eckler has an All-Pro level game. Cementing his position as the best bald guy in the league.
Week 14:
Raiders 9-3
Loss @ Rams
Aaron Donald preps for this game by cutting himself while listening to Derek Carr’s press conferences. The sound of Derek’s voice in his pre-snap cadence gives him a Pavlovian response, sending him into a blood rage so he gets even more of a physical and mental edge.
Week 15:
Raiders 9-4
Loss v. Patriots
It seems like Bill Belichick always ends up beating the Raiders. Probably cheating or something, but I don’t know.
Week 16:
Raiders 9-5
Win @ Steelers
Mitch Trubisky, Mason Rudolph, Kenny Pickett. Maybe only one plays or maybe all three play, but it doesn’t matter because they lose 28-7.
Week 17:
Raiders 10-5
Win v. 49ers
Probably one of the better games of the season because it’s going to be a strength-on-strength matchup. It’s a weirdly low score of 17-13.
Week 18:
Raiders 11-5
Loss v. Chiefs
The Chiefs will be out of playoff contention, but they’re going to play their starters anyway. The strength of spite once again prevails.
FINAL RECORD:
11-6