I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Well. No one wanted the Rams to win the Superbowl last year, but here we are. I guess the good side of that is that now we don’t have to put forth an effort into cheering for their downfall.
That being said, they’ve only gotten worse. OBJ is out. Von Miller is gone. Matt Stafford got some weird shit going on with his elbow that baseball players normally get, probably because he went to high school with Clayton Kershaw, probably. Cam Akers is coming off an injury that he was coming off of last year, which is weird. Darrell Henderson probably has something bad going on. Bobby Woods went to the Titans. That old guy on their offensive line retired.
Eh. They’ll probably still be good.
Week 1:
Rams 0-0
Loss v. Bills
I don’t know how the game will go, but the Bills will win and Aaron Donald will choke someone. It’s fate.
Week 2:
Rams 0-1
Win v. Falcons
Ehhhhhhh. Yikes.
Week 3:
Rams 1-1
Loss @ Cardinals
Now, this is a great example of why divisional games should be spread out throughout the season. At the beginning of the season, the Cardinals are really good, and they’re really bad at the end of the season.
Week 4:
Rams 1-2
Loss @ 49ers
The 49ers own the Rams in the regular season. Maybe it’s magic, maybe it’s Kyle Shanahan, no one knows.
Week 5:
Rams 1-3
Win v. Cowboys
With Tyron Smith getting predictably hurt in a brutally horrendous way, Aaron Donald might actually smoosh Dak into the ground like Wile E. Coyote.
Week 6:
Rams 2-3
Win v. Panthers
McCaffery either gets hurt in this game or dies. There’s no way his soggy graham cracker body can hold up through a full 60 minutes of the Rams’ defense.
Week 7:
Rams 3-3
Bye
Week 8:
Rams 3-3
Loss v. 49ers
It’ll be embarrassing when Trey Lance gets more rushing yards than Cam Akers. It’s also gonna be embarrassing when Nick Bosa intercepts a pitch from Matt Stafford.
Week 9:
Rams 3-4
Loss @ Buccaneers
This is going to go nearly the same way as the Divisional game from last year, but Stafford won’t moonball his way to a last-second win.
Week 10:
Rams 3-5
Win v. Cardinals
Week 10 is the cut-off for when the Cardinals are good. It’ll be a gut-wrenching moment of sobriety for them when they lose 35-7.
Week 11:
Rams 4-5
Win @ Saints
This is going to be known as the Michael Thomas game. That’s because he’ll score his first and only touchdown of the season, which he’ll get hurt doing.
Week 12:
Rams 5-5
Win @ Chiefs
It’ll go into overtime and Matt Gay will win it.
Week 13:
Rams 6-5
Win v. Seahawks
An owner makes a very real proposal for relegation to the XFL purely on the Seahawks' performance.
Week 14:
Rams 7-5
Win v. Raiders
This is one of the better Thursday night football games. Derek Carr tries a hail mary to Davante Adams, but it gets bobbled no less than 5 times before it goes out of bounds.
Week 15:
Rams 8-5
Loss @ Packers
The Rams playing at Green Bay in the middle of December? Get real.
Week 16:
Rams 8-6
Win v. Broncos
Russell Wilson has one of those games where he runs around in the backfield for the entire game. Throw an apple watch on him and he closes all three rings in the first quarter.
Week 17:
Rams 9-6
Win @ Chargers
The Chargers try a 2-point conversion to win it, and they lose yardage.
Week 18:
Rams 10-6
Win @ Seahawks
The Seahawks trot out their 3rd string QB just to try to get some juice going into the offseason. He throws 3 interceptions in the first half, then they have to disappointedly put Drew Lock back out there.
FINAL RECORD:
11-6