I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Brandon Staley is a nerd. He’s a charismatic nerd, but he’s still a nerd. He says stuff in press conferences that makes nerds on Twitter happy, then they say nice things about him, and then other people like him. But guess what? At the end of the day, he’s still a nerd.
The Chargers have so much potential. They’ve got playmakers everywhere.
Did you know they have Khalil Mack now? That’s wild.
It’s so much potential, and that’s exactly how it’s going to stay because they have a nerd as their head coach.
The thing about the Chargers is that they lose games. It’s something that’s going to keep happening to them until they change something big. Anthony Lynn was a doofus and he must have unknowingly put some kind of cursed object in the head coach’s office. Their two options are to hire an incredibly aggressive head coach, just like the Lions did with Dan Campbell, or just burn everything to the ground. Literally or metaphorically, it doesn’t matter.
All they did was get a head coach who has a single identity, and, I cannot emphasize this enough, that identity is him being a nerd.
Week 1:
Chargers 0-0
Loss v. Raiders
The first game of the season being against a divisional opponent is an important game. The Chargers lose those games.
Week 2:
Chargers 0-1
Loss @ Chiefs
Back-to-back divisional games. Back-to-back losses.
Week 3:
Chargers 0-2
Win v. Jaguars
Finally, the Chargers can find some comfort in a game against a MUCH inferior opponent. They stomp them out 35-10.
Week 4:
Chargers 1-2
Win @ Texans
Legend says the only thing in the world that is bigger than a Bosa Brother’s nose, is Davis Mills’ neck. That Legend will be put to the test very frequently during this game because Joey Bosa is going to be all over Mills this game.
Week 5:
Chargers 2-2
Win @ Browns
When they played last year, the Chargers won 47-42. I’d be surprised if the Browns scored 17 points in this one.
Week 6:
Chargers 3-2
Loss v. Broncos
Over the last couple of years, it seems like Russell Wilson has had really weird games on Monday nights. His Monday games always seem to stay really close until the last couple of minutes, then he wins, which just happens to work out perfectly with the Chargers' history.
Week 7:
Chargers 3-3
Win @ Seahawks
The Chargers' defense gets a shut-out.
Week 8:
Chargers 4-3
Bye
Week 9:
Chargers 4-3
Win @ Falcons
Marcus Mariota has a whopping 15% pass accuracy. 5 tipped balls and 4 interceptions.
Week 10:
Chargers 5-3
Loss @ 49ers
A wet November Sunday night. The 49ers do that thing where they win and get all their big plays on lame DPI calls.
Week 11:
Chargers 5-4
Loss v. Chiefs
Certainly would be bad if the Chargers had to play against a divisiona… oh… what’s that? Welp, that’s a loss.
Week 12:
Chargers 5-5
Loss @ Cardinals
This is a game that’s not important, but it is a game the Cardinals are going to win because they need to get win everyone’s affections back to make it seem like they’re a playoff team. New Season, same old story.
Week 13:
Chargers 5-6
Win @ Raiders
Truly a baffling game. The Raiders have a really poorly timed fumble in the 4th quarter that seals it away.
Week 14:
Chargers 6-6
Loss v. Dolphins
The battle between the two dorkiest coaches in the league. The new dork wins because Tyreek Hill is still an alive guy.
Week 15:
Chargers 6-7
Loss v. Titans
Derrick Henry is due to have a “Bash everyone into the center of the Earth” game. He does just that and next year we get another report from some scientists saying the Earth is spinning faster.
Week 16:
Chargers 6-8
Loss @ Colts
Jonathan Taylor on a late season Monday night. He wins someone’s fantasy league with a last-minute 60-yard touchdown.
Week 17:
Chargers 6-9
Loss v. Rams
The Battle for LA, except this time Kel Mitchell isn’t there. This game is very inconsequential, but the Rams have a big Cooper Kupp game and the Chargers have a bad Justin Herbert game.
Week 18:
Chargers 6-10
Win @ Broncos
The Broncos are playing back-ups. The chargers absolutely crush them.
FINAL RECORD:
7-10