I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
The Dolphins took what they did last year, and said, “What if we took everything good we did and make it better, and what if we took everything bad we did and make it exactly the same”
And, you guys, they absolutely CRUSHED it.
They got a new head coach to build an intuitive offense. They got another speedster in Tyreek Hill, to go along with their other speedster in Jaylen Waddle. They got another okay running back (who can’t stay healthy). They did nothing to help their offensive line. They got Melvin Ingram to continue to be an old guy. It’s all the very much the same thing as last year, just with a new receiver.
I love it.
Week 1:
Dolphins 0-0
Win v. Patriots
It sucks for the Patriots to have to use their Florida vacation this early in the season. It also sucks for the Patriots to lose their first game.
Week 2:
Dolphins 1-0
Win @ Ravens
Last year we almost had the best “fat guy touchdown” in history during this game when Robert Hunt front flipped into the endzone. The Ravens won’t have a good running game this early in the season and they’ll get stuck being at least 7 points down the whole game.
Week 3:
Dolphins 2-0
Win v. Bills
The Tyreek Hill honeymoon phase is going to still be going on, but Waddle does better and we get an all time “Waddle” celebration that gets used in every Dolphins promo for the rest of the season. Raheem Mostert has a season ending injury.
Week 4:
Dolphins 3-0
Win @ Bengals
Very high scoring Thursday night game. It goes to overtime and we get one of those weird “2 missed field goals in OT” games. Jason Sanders ends up making the last one.
Week 5:
Dolphins 4-0
Win @ Jets
This is the one that starts to show the weaknesses in the Dolphins game. The Jets somehow have the lead the entire game until Tyreek does the “Score from anywhere on the field during a 2 minute drill” play.
Week 6:
Dolphins 5-0
Loss v. Vikings
The Vikings see what happened last week and shut the Dolphins out in the first half. Justin Jefferson Griddy out does The Waddle and we’re all torn up in our feelings.
Week 7:
Dolphins 5-1
Loss v. Steelers
The Steelers always seem like they do well on Sunday night games. TJ Watt comes back from whatever injury he has going into this game (it’s probably like his 4th one this season) and gets 2.5 sacks.
Week 8:
Dolphins 5-2
Win @ Lions
Going into this game everyone talks themselves into this being one the Lions can actually win. We’re all disappointed, but not surprised when the lose 28-3.
Week 9:
Dolphins 6-2
Win @ Bears
The Bears game plan works out perfectly for them. They successfully out-rush the dolphins and win the Time-of-possession, too bad they only get 200 total yards on offense to the Dolphins 425.
Week 10:
Dolphins 7-2
Win v. Browns
Same thing as last week against the Bears, but this time it’s 250 yards to 475 yards.
Week 11:
Dolphins 8-2
Bye
Week 12:
Dolphins 8-2
Loss v. Texans
It’s a situation where we think the Texans are going to overlook the Dolphins because they’re going to play Deshaun Watson the next week. The Dolphins get complacent with a 14 point lead and lose in the 4th quarter.
Week 13:
Dolphins 8-3
Loss @ 49ers
Tua gets sacked, i don’t now, a billion times? Tyreek hill never touches the ball.
Week 14:
Dolphins 8-4
Win @ Chargers
Once again Tyreek gets a 75-yardtouchdown in the last 3 minutes of the game. People try to say “NFL rigged” but it’s actually just the Chargers doing stupid nerd shit.
Week 15:
Dolphins 9-4
Loss @ Bills
Third road game in a row for the Dolphins. We all now that teams lose those games.
Week 16:
Dolphins 9-5
Loss v. Packers
AJ Dillon tears his pants going into the end zone, but not in an embarrassing way. He splits them along the side seams because his legs are too goddamned big.
Week 17:
Dolphins 9-6
Loss @ Patriots
Did you know it’s cold in Foxborough in January? The Dolphins have to use their non-exsistent ground game and lose 9-21.
Week 18:
Dolphins 9-7
Win v. Jets
Tyreek Hill ends his season by giving the piece sign as he runs out of the stadium during, you guessed it, another last second touchdown. It’s poetic and we all shed a single tear.
FINAL RECORD:
10-7