I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
I’m going to miss Mike Zimmer’s face on my TV. It was so rickety and old looking. Now they have Kevin O’Connell. His face is the exact opposite of Mike Zimmer’s face. Mike Zimmer has a weasely face with a pointy chin that sticks out. Kevin O’Connell has Man Face. Just a beefy jaw like if you had a blind guy draw Superman.
He’s kind of their biggest change this offseason.
They still have great running backs, receivers, and linebackers. A pretty good O-Line, D-Line, and DBs.
And then there's Kirk Cousins.
Kirk is the best and most middling Quarterback around. He’s so easy to root against because he’s just such an absolute doofus.
But goddamned if he’s not efficient.
Here are some stats:
- 33 touchdowns
- 7 interceptions
- 66.3% competition percentage
- 103.1 Quarterback Rating last year.
- 8-8 record
- 1 time he got flustered in the Redzone and lined up behind his right guard instead of his center and had to call a time-out.
Same guy. That’s nuts.
Week 1:
Vikings 0-0
Win v. Packers
The Packers started really slow last year when they got wrecked by the Saints. I imagine they’ll start slow this year, especially since Aaron Rodgers hates rookie receivers just as much as he hates government mandates.
Week 2:
Vikings 1-0
Loss @ Eagles
There are 2 forces at work here: Kirk Cousins plays well against the Eagles and Kirk Cousins chokes in Primetime games. The latter prevails here.
Week 3:
Vikings 1-1
Win v. Lions
The Lions are better than they were last year, but they are still far and away worse than the Vikings. This is just a stat-padding game for the Vikings.
Week 4:
Vikings 2-1
Win @ Saints
There’s a very good chance that Jameis Winston doesn’t realize that this game is in London until he steps off the plane, and even then, he might just be confused or indifferent. He’ll play like he’s been Jet lagged for 4 days and the Vikings win 31-14.
Week 5:
Vikings 3-1
Win v. Bears
Just another Bears game where their offense is abysmal and they never get anything going. The Vikings win 35-10 and it’s gross to watch.
Week 6:
Vikings 4-1
Win @ Dolphins
This is the game that makes everyone remember exactly how important linebackers can be in the NFL. Za’Darius Smith gets 2.5 sacks and shows that he’s not a washed-up guy.
Week 7:
Vikings 5-1
Bye
Week 8:
Vikings 5-1
Win v. Cardinals
Kyler Murray tries to do a bunch of highlight plays, only for them to blow up in his face in a hilarious fashion. If they still sold sports blooper DVD sets this would be a prime game for it.
Week 9:
Vikings 6-1
Win @ Commanders
Dalvin Cook probably gets hurt by FedEx field or whatever its name is now. Alexander Mattison comes in and goes balls to the walls and shows that he’s going to be a great starting Runningback for some other team next year.
Week 10:
Vikings 7-1
Loss @ Bills
The Bills just outplay the Vikings. Every pass catcher on the Bills scores here and some dumb sportsbook puts them as +250 to win the Superbowl.
Week 11:
Vikings 7-2
Win v. Cowboys
The Cowboys are going to put out some third-string offensive line here and Dak ends up being under pressure for the entire game. Someone on puts up a video breaking down how far he moves during the game and it’s the equivalent of an Ultramarathon.
Week 12:
Vikings 8-2
Loss v. Patriots
Thursday night. Belichick makes Kirk choke.
Week 13:
Vikings 8-3
Loss v. Jets
Baffling to everyone, the Jets shut out the Vikings through 3 quarters. The Vikings tie it up but lose on a last-minute field goal.
Week 14:
Vikings 8-4
Loss @ Lions
Aidan Hutchinson does 1st-round draft pick things and single-handedly shuts down the Vikings’ passing game by forcing 4 straight 3-and-outs. The Lions win 21-20.
Week 15:
Vikings 8-5
Loss v. Colts
Shaq Leonard has himself a game. Justin Jefferson and Adam Thielen both burn him on short crossing routes several times, but he also gets 2 picks on the Vikings' side of the field.
Week 16:
Vikings 8-6
Win v. Giants
The Giants are broken, tattered, shattered, and ruined. Justin Jefferson has already made the Probowl at this point, but he just shows off everything he has in his bag.
Week 17:
Vikings 9-6
Loss @ Packers
This ends up being the game to determine the NFC North. Aaron Rodgers disgustingly wins this game with the wobbliest hail mary anyone has ever seen.
Week 18:
Vikings 9-7
Win @ Bears
The Bears end their triumphant campaign led by Matt Eberflus (dumb name) in a phenomenally pathic fashion. Vikings win 42-10 and the broadcast picks up SKOL chants.
FINAL RECORD:
10-7