I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
I know that I’ve said that other teams are the most boring teams in the League, but this time I actually mean it. I also know that the last time I called a team boring I said I would stop calling teams boring, but again, this time I actually mean it.
Mac Jones is a doofus. A good doofus, but still a doofus.
Their wide receivers are still boring.
Hunter Henry and Jonnu Smith are still fine Tight ends.
Their Offensive and Defensive lines are still pretty good.
The Linebacker group and DBs are still top-notch.
Bill Belichick is still the best coach ever.
Nothing has changed and they’re still going to outperform teams in some spots and lay shit eggs in other spots.
We know the story.
Week 1:
Patriots 0-0
Loss @ Dolphins
The Patriots always lose spectacularly in Miami. It’s like watching the first 5 seasons of Game of Thrones, it’s gonna be awesome, but we already know what’s going to happen.
Week 2:
Patriots 0-1
Win @ Steelers
The Steelers are still going to be confused at Quarterback this early in the season. Bill Belichick throws a bunch of confusing looks at Mitch.
Week 3:
Patriots 1-1
Loss v. Ravens
The Ravens have too versatile of an offense for Belichick to shut down. Lamar rushes for 80 yards and throws 2 touchdowns.
Week 4:
Patriots 1-2
Loss @ Packers
This is the Sunday afternoon game that goes on for far too long with nothing happening. There’ll be 4 games going on, and RedZone will only go to this game if the other ones are all in commercial, then 4 hours will go by and this game will be Packers 17, Patriots 10.
Week 5:
Patriots 1-3
Win v. Lions
Dan Campbell is going to try to talk Bill Belichick’s ear off before the game, and it’ll turn into another meme of a guy yelling in someone’s ear while that person has no interest on their face at all.
Week 6:
Patriots 2-3
Win @ Browns
The Patriots score on almost every drive and blitz Jacoby Brissett on every play. He gets picked off 3 times and the Patriots win 38-6.
Week 7:
Patriots 3-3
Win v. Bears
Just another boring game. The Patriots run the same defense they did in the Steelers game and Justin Fields goes cross-eyed trying to figure it out.
Week 8:
Patriots 4-3
Win @ Jets
Belichick and Saleh have a 5 minute long staring contest from opposite sidelines. And that’s the most interesting thing that happens during the game.
Week 9:
Patriots 5-3
Loss v. Colts
Matt Ryan has Vietnam-Esque flashbacks to Superbowl 51 and that terrible game from last year, gets the yips, and can’t throw. Jonathan Taylor puts the team on his back and scores 4 times.
Week 10:
Patriots 5-4
Bye
Week 11:
Patriots 5-4
Loss v. Jets
Staring contest round 2, but Saleh lasts longer, Belichick gets off his game, and Zach Wilson throws a go-ahead touchdown.
Week 12:
Patriots 5-5
Win @ Vikings
Primetime Kirk. He gets blitzed to death.
Week 13:
Patriots 6-5
Win v. Bills
The Patriots split games with the Bills. This is still a wind game, but Mac Jones throws it this time (but only on dump-offs).
Week 14:
Patriots 7-5
Win @ Cardinals
Late-season Cardinals don’t do anything. Late-season Patriots make this a war of attrition and run the ball 45 times just to punish everyone watching the game.
Week 15:
Patriots 8-5
Win @ Raiders
Ol’ BIlly B always seems to make the Raiders look like they don’t belong on the field. This is similar, but Davante Adams has a couple of catches that make Bill audibly grunt with displeasure.
Week 16:
Patriots 9-5
Win v. Bengals
The Patriots run a shell defense and it actually works to shut down the big plays that the Bengals exist on. They end up controlling the ball for 40 minutes to 20 minutes and choke them out.
Week 17:
Patriots 10-5
Win v. Dolphins
The Dolphins have to play at Gillette in January and I couldn’t wish a worse fate on my truest enemy. The Dolphins have to run the ball, which is something you would think a professional team would be even remotely adequate at, yet the Dolphins are pathetically not.
Week 18:
Patriots 11-5
Loss @ Bills
It should be a crime against humanity to schedule a game in Buffalo in the middle of January. Josh Allen literally shatters a DB’s hands on an off-target throw and the Bills win 24-7.
FINAL RECORD:
11-6