I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
I’m a big fan of delusion. The Saints are truly delusional. They’re going all in on this season, with a truly abysmal chance of success.
It’s going to be great to watch.
They’re getting wrecked by cap space. They have no first-round draft pick next year. They have a new head coach that you haven’t heard of. They have a wide receiver that doesn’t like the team because of how they handled his leg exploding or something like that (Michael Thomas). They have another receiver who’s never been a true number 1 on a team (Jarvis Landry). They have a rookie wide receiver, who they are putting the weight of the world on (Chris Olave). They have a running back whose season is depending on potential legal action because he beat the shit out of a guy in Vegas.
And they have Jameis Winston leading the whole goddamned thing.
Jameis is my favorite ingredient in this chaotic spaghetti they’ve made for themselves.
Their quarterback of the present and future is coming off of a nightmarish knee injury. The last time he played a full season was his 30 touchdown and 30 interception season. When Jameis plays, it’s just about as close to “Must Watch” TV as we get these days. When you get a quarterback who’s a coin flip for either scoring or fucking a game, you need to see it live.
Like I said before, the Saints don’t have a first-round pick next year, so they are stuck with what they have. I understand burning your boats, but it’s crazy when the guy leading the army trains in ways that would make Master Roshi feel disgusting.
Their defense is pretty good I guess, so at least they have that.
Week 1:
Saints 0-0
Loss @ Falcons
Say what you will about the Falcons, but at least they know who’s on their team. Kyle Pitts comes out strong, literally and metaphorically, by running like the Juggernaut for 85 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Week 2:
Saints 0-1
Loss v. Buccaneers
I think Sean Payton was the mastermind behind the Saints’ games where they would shut down Tom Brady. Sean Payton’s not there anymore and neither is that magic.
Week 3:
Saints 0-2
Loss @ Panthers
This is the game that really shows the trajectory of how the Saints’ season is going to go. The only touchdown this game comes at the end of the 3rd quarter, and the Panthers are the ones who get it, 13-6.
Week 4:
Saints 0-3
Loss v. Vikings
Irv Smith welcomes himself back to the league by mossing Marshon Lattimore, then dragging Tyrann Mathieu into the endzone. Just like you could do in NFL Blitz 2002.
Week 5:
Saints 0-4
Win v. Seahawks
The Saints’ D shuts out the Seahawks. DK Metcalf almost scores, but Tyrann learns from last week and goes for his legs.
Week 6:
Saints 1-4
Loss v. Bengals
The Bengals' wide receivers get shut down by the Saints' DBs, making Joe Mixon and Samaje Perrine do all the work. Jameis throws his 10th and 11th interceptions.
Week 7:
Saints 1-5
Loss @ Cardinals
The Saints got unlucky with having their Cardinals game early-ish in the season. They’d have a chance if it happened 2 or 3 weeks from now, but instead, they get to play DeAndre Hopkins the game he comes back off his suspension.
Week 8:
Saints 1-6
Win v. Raiders
Although they have no business even staying in this game, let alone winning it, they somehow persevere. Will Lutz kicks a game-winner as time expires.
Week 9:
Saints 2-6
Loss v. Ravens
Boomer loses his voice doing all the “WHOOPS” on NFL Primetime because of Lamar Jackson breaking a total of 15 tackles this game.
Week 10:
Saints 2-7
Loss @ Steelers
This comes down to Mike Tomlin out-coaching Dennis Allen. There’s a fake punt at some point and everyone laughs at how ludicrously successful it was.
Week 11:
Saints 2-8
Loss v. Rams
Aaron Donald grabs a helmet from the sideline and bashes Jameis. Just because.
Week 12:
Saints 2-9
Loss @ 49ers
Just like Jalen Hurts did in 2020, Trey Lance has the game where people see his full potential as a dual-threat quarterback. Cam Jordan gets posterized again and actually breaks his ankles.
Week 13:
Saints 2-10
Win @ Buccaneers
Monday night game. Tom Brady plays like shit when it’s past his bedtime.
Week 14:
Saints 3-10
Bye
Week 15:
Saints 3-10
Win v. Falcons
Dennis Allen is finally starting to find his groove… in week 15, which is both objectively and subjectively bad.
Week 16:
Saints 4-10
Loss @ Browns
Unfortunately, we get to see Deshaun Watson win a game on Christmas eve. The Saints’ defense has their worst game of the season when Nick Chubbs himself down their throats.
Week 17:
Saints 4-11
Loss @ Eagles
Ceedy Duece's revenge game. Jameis throws 3 interceptions, bringing his new total to 35.
Week 18:
Saints 4-12
Loss v. Panthers
Jameis ends his season with 5 touchdowns, once again matching his interception count at 35, cementing himself as the most volatile quarterback in history.
FINAL RECORD:
4-13