I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
When the Nazis invaded Russia, there were bad vibes. The Giants have worse vibes than that.
Yeah, they got rid of Joe Judge and now they have Brian Daboll. That’s the only good thing.
Their roster got hit by a nuke of injuries before the season even started. Kayvon Thibodeaux already got smacked by an injury that they are saying is not worse than it looked, and it looked BAD. Kenny Golladay is definitely being held hostage and we know this because Brian Daboll came out and said that Golladay is not being held hostage. Saquon Barkley said he’s gonna wreck shit this season, meaning that he’s absolutely not gonna wreck shit this season. They traded away their best defensive player, leaving a defense of guys who wouldn’t make a 53-man roster for other teams.
They’re also sticking with Daniel Jones for some reason. They’re saying they want it to be an evaluation season for him. Mother fucker, it’s his goddamned 4th year in the league. We know what this doofus is and what he can do.
They’re so dumb, and I love it.
Week1:
Giants 0-0
Loss @ Titans
The Giants get 15 tackles in this game. 1 of them is when a lineman “accidentally” tackles Saquon on a would-be-scoring play.
Week 2:
Giants 0-1
Win v. Panthers
Matt Rhule’s gonna fuck this one up on a 3rd down call. People will say the Giants aren’t doing a rebuilding season.
Week 3:
Giants 1-1
Loss v. Cowboys
It’s going to come down to one of the Offensive lines playing against one of the worst Defensive lines, and one of the worst Offensive lines playing against an okay Defensive line. The Cowboys are the “Okay” one.
Week 4:
Giants 1-2
Win v. Bears
Justin Fields and Darnell Mooney connect big time. That’s because there is going to be no one there to even remotely try to stop them.
Week 5:
Giants 2-2
Loss @ Packers
Aaron Rodgers has a game that puts him in talks for being a back-to-back-to-back MVP. But then we remember that it’s the Giants and not a real team.
Week 6:
Giants 2-3
Loss v. Ravens
The Ravens might not have a healthy running back on their practice or actual roster, but whatever schlub they put back there will rush for at least 90 yards.
Week 7:
Giants 2-4
Loss @ Jaguars
Doug Pederson once again finds a way to fuck over the Giants. He might not punt the entire game, just for fun.
Week 8:
Giants 2-5
Win @ Seahawks
This game only gets 212 viewers. 2 for every player on each team.
Week 9:
Giants 3-5
Bye
Week 10:
Giants 3-5
Loss v. Texans
They’re coming out of the Bye week strong. They only lose by 3.
Week 11:
Giants 3-6
Loss v. Lions
D’Andre Swift and Amon-Ra St. Brown combine for 250 yards. The Lions have their most dominant win of the season.
Week 12:
Giants 3-7
Loss @ Cowboys
The Cowboys get a win on Thanksgiving and I’m aggressive towards my family during dinner.
Week 13:
Giants 3-8
Win v. Commanders
They’ll split games with the Commanders. Saquon has the best game of his season and rushes for 75 yards and 2 touchdowns.
Week 14:
Giants 4-8
Loss v. Eagles
We, unfortunately, had to restart the Eagles’ winning streak over the Giants last year. This is always a Boston Scott game and he rushes for 125 yards and 3 touchdowns.
Week 15:
Giants 4-9
Loss @ Commanders
If Chase Young isn’t hurt or dead by this game, he’ll get 3 sacks on that doofus Jones. Daboll does a crowd favorite and calls a run play on a 3rd and 25.
Week 16:
Giants 4-10
Loss @ Vikings
Daniel Jones breaks the record for “Widest Eyes in Human History” when he gets sacked by 4 guys simultaneously. The camera zooms in on him and we all have a good chuckle.
Week 17:
Giants 4-11
Loss v. Colts
There’s a full-on fistfight on the Giants’ sidelines. It’s between a trainer and an offensive line assistant.
Week 18:
Giants 4-12
Win @ Eagles
The Eagles are playing back-ups and the Giants win in a pointless OT.
FINAL RECORD:
5-12