I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
No one wants the Jets to get better. Unfortunately for us, they are.
It’s not going to happen all at once like it did for the Bengals, but it’ll happen over the next 4 or 5 years. That kinda sucks worse though. I’d rather have them rip the band-aid off all at once and just do it, rather than us having to decide week-in and week-out whether or not they’re going to win a game.
Robert Saleh is going to do better this year, and because of it, we’ll see a bunch of Defensive Coordinators get hired as Head Coaches in the offseason. Zach Wilson is also going to play better for a few games this year, and it’ll make a few dorky-looking quarterbacks rise in the draft next year. Who knew the Jets could be so influential?
The Jets have gone 21-59 in the last 5 years, and 7 of those wins came in 2019.
It’s going to be closer to that 2019 season this year.
Week 1:
Jets 0-0
Loss v. Ravens
Joe Flacco's revenge game. It gets ugly, QUICK.
Week 2:
Jets 0-1
Win @ Browns
Battle of backup QBs with nothing to lose. There is a record set for most potential air yards and interceptions.
Week 3:
Jets 1-1
Loss v. Bengals
Sauce Gardner has to cover Jamaar Chase and he does a surprisingly good job. Too bad there are 4 other guys to catch the ball on the Bengals’ offense and there are no other people to stop that from happening on the Jets’ defense.
Week 4:
Jets 1-2
Loss @ Steelers
This ends up being a really close game and it comes down to Greg Zuerlein. He does that thing where he misses and loses games.
Week 5:
Jets 1-3
Loss v. Dolphins
Tyreek Hill and Jaylen Waddle use this game to make highlights that are used for the next 50 years.
Week 6:
Jets 1-4
Win @ Packers
The Packers always have games that end up being absolute stinkers in the middle of the season. This one is coming off a big win against the Giants, so it makes sense if you don’t think about it.
Week 7:
Jets 2-4
Win @ Broncos
The Jets put together a couple of good back-to-back wins. It makes people really think Zach Wilson can be an elite quarterback, but the only reason he wins is that the other quarterbacks have their worst games of the season.
Week 8:
Jets 3-4
Loss v. Patriots
The Patriots end all of the Zach Wilson hype by picking him off 3 times and sacking him 4 times. Mac Jones and Zach Wilson shake hands after the game, making it the least swaggiest handshake in human history.
Week 9:
Jets 3-5
Loss v. Bills
Josh Allen sees Zach Wilson making eyes at his mom from the sidelines. He takes his next opportunity to throw a ball straight at Zach’s nuts.
Week 10:
Jets 3-6
Bye
Week 11:
Jets 3-6
Win @ Patriots
The Jets take advantage of their bye week and they shut out the Patriots in the first half. The Patriots come back in the second half and the Jets win in overtime.
Week 12:
Jets 4-6
Win v. Bears
This is the game that puts Breece Hall on the board for everyone. He does some Derrick Henry-Esque runs and makes a bunch of Fantasy Football nerds pound off in the mirror.
Week 13:
Jets 5-6
Win @ Vikings
Dalvin Cook will probably be hurt. Kirk will get flustered and line up behind his right guard this time, but Alexander Mattison won’t realize it and we’ll all have a good laugh.
Week 14:
Jets 6-6
Loss @ Bills
Zach Wilson pushes his luck and makes eyes at Josh Allen’s mom again. And just like last time, Josh puts a ball right on Zach’s scrote.
Week 15:
Jets 6-7
Win v. Lions
Jared Goff makes this game really competitive, and unfortunately for them, Greg Zuerlein doesn’t miss this time and kills the Lions in the last second.
Week 16:
Jets 7-7
Loss v. Jaguars
Trevor Lawrence shows exactly why he was the number 1 pick last year. He doubles up on every stat that Zach does to win 48-24.
Week 17:
Jets 7-8
Win @ Seahawks
Cue the Benny Hill music.
Week 18:
Jets 8-8
Loss @ Dolphins
Braxton Berrios returns a punt for an 85-yard touchdown, but it doesn’t matter. The play after that Tyreek Hill scores an 86-yard touchdown
FINAL RECORD:
8-9