I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
Okay… so I’m gonna get in front of it, this one might be biased.
I understand the gravity of what I’m doing here. Every time there’s an Eagles team with a bunch of hype, they end up shitting their pants.
BUT GODDAMN
This is looking like a great football team. They upgraded in so many places that hurt them last year. They got Haason Reddick early on in Free Agency to get a dominant pass-rushing linebacker. They got Kyzir White as another linebacker who can play very good pass defense. James Bradbury came over from the Giants, making the cornerback trio a top 3 in the league. Ceedy Duece just got signed, so the Safeties aren’t going to be atrocious. They drafted the absolute specimen in Jordan Davis, who can hopefully be a game changer for their run defense.
The only real question mark on that side of the ball is the Defensive Coordinator, Jonathan Gannon. The guy was truly abysmal at his job last year. I’m pretty sure the stat is: in the past 30 years, the Eagles have only allowed 6 different quarterbacks to complete over 80% of their passes, and last year alone, JG called defenses that allowed 5 quarterbacks to complete 80% of their passes. That’s pretty shit. Hopefully, this guy can do better.
On offense, there have only been a couple of changes, but they’re pretty major.
They got AJ Brown. The man is a top 5 wide receiver, and easily the best receiver in the NFC East. They also got Zach Pascal. That one’s not near as sexy of an acquisition, but it gives the Eagles a top-5 wide receiver corps. The running backs are fine. They could use a little bit of an upgrade, especially since they’ll be behind the best offensive line in the league.
The big question mark for their offense is obviously Jalen Hurts.
He’s clearly talented, but he’s lacking in some big areas. Last year his spread chart looked like a backward capital “L”, meaning he hardly ever/ almost never threw to the middle or left side of the field.
Another issue is how long he holds onto the ball. Jalen had the longest time to throw in the league, which is something that you don’t want, but when you think about his play style I don’t think it’s as awful as it looks. Big Ben had the fastest time to throw last year and Tom Brady was right behind him. Those are two guys that are largely immobile in offenses that ran on quick releases. Jalen doesn’t have that play style and the Eagles don’t want him to. Again, obviously, you don’t want to be last in that stat, but it’s not as bad as it looks.
There are other problems that he has (accuracy, decision making, arm strength) but some of those are more debatable. Like the arm strength thing. Yeah, he doesn’t have a Josh Allen arm, but people act like he has my incredibly puny, stringy, and pathetic arm.
Anyway, the Eagles are good, and if they can break through the curse that makes them bad when they should be good, this is gonna be a big year.
Week 1:
Eagles 0-0
Win @ Lions
Aidan Hutchinson looked pretty dominant on Hard Knocks when he was playing against the Lions, Falcons, Colts, and Steelers. He gets the honor of getting pancaked by Lane Johnson and Jordan Mailata in week 1.
Week 2:
Eagles 1-0
Win v. Vikings
Monday night Kirk is going to make an early appearance this season in the Eagles’ home opener. He might die.
Week 3:
Eagles 2-0
Win @ Commanders
It’s a bummer that this game isn’t in Philly, because when they play again in week 10, Carson Wentz might not be the quarterback. I mean, he’s still gonna do absolutely nothing this game, but it would’ve been nice to see him get booed and subsequently laughed at by 67 thousand people.
Week 4:
Eagles 3-0
Win v. Jaguars
This might be one of the longer games of the season because there’ll be no less than 15 standing ovations for Doug Pederson throughout the game. Most of them will come when he goes for it on 4th down (and fails).
Week 5:
Eagles 4-0
Loss @ Cardinals
They’re not gonna go 5-0, and that’s because they’re one of the 8 unlucky teams that have to play the Cardinals early in the season. It is close, but Jalen throws a bad-looking interception and some idiots start calling for Gardner Minshew to start.
Week 6:
Eagles 4-1
Win v. Cowboys
Jalen hasn’t beaten Dak yet. That’s about to change in a hilarious 35-14 game.
Week 7:
Eagles 5-1
Bye
Week 8:
Eagles 5-1
Loss v. Steelers
Mike Tomlin is a better coach than Nick Sirianni, and that’s gonna show here. Tomlin’s gonna use whoever their quarterback (probably Mitch) to do some knock-off Philly Special.
Week 9:
Eagles 5-2
Win @ Texans
This is going to be one of those Thursday night games that’s over halfway into the second quarter. James Bradbury and Darius Slay combine for 3 picks and 14 points.
Week 10:
Eagles 6-2
Win v. Commanders
If Carson is there, he throws 3 picks and gets sacked 4 times in the first quarter. He’s so shook that he shits himself and the announcers and cameramen make sure that EVERYONE knows it.
Week 11:
Eagles 7-2
Win @ Colts
Finally, the Nick Sirianni revenge game. Jordan Davis gets 2 sacks and Matt Ryan develops a smothering fetish.
Week 12:
Eagles 8-2
Loss v. Packers
Aaron Rodgers is going to pick the Eagles’ shell defense into pieces by throwing 4 touchdowns and the Packers will win 35-31. People will blame the loss on Jalen somehow.
Week 13:
Eagles 8-3
Win v. Titans
The AJ Brown revenge game. AJ and Goedert combine for 4 touchdowns and 275 yards.
Week 14:
Eagles 9-3
Win @ Giants
Boston Scott does his thing and gets 3 touchdowns on 15 touches. Haason Reddick strip sacks Daniel Jones so hard his shoulder gets dislocated.
Week 15:
Eagles 10-3
Win @ Bears
Brandon Graham stops at least 5 scrambles in the open field. Justin Fields starts to think about an early retirement.
Week 16:
Eagles 11-3
Loss @ Cowboys
This is another three-game road trip. The Eagles lose in the last 2 minutes.
Week 17:
Eagles 11-4
Win v. Saints
The Ceedy Duece revenge game. He gets 2 sacks in back-to-back plays and we get an all-time Jameis Winston confused face.
Week 18:
Eagles 12-4
Loss v. Giants
This game is everything to the Giants and nothing to the Eagles. Boston Scott still goes off for 3 touchdowns, but they pull him in the 4th quarter.
FINAL RECORD:
12-5