I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
There’s a chance that I’m a dipshit. I think Mike Tomlin’s record of going 15 seasons without going under .500 is coming to an end. I didn’t make an official prediction last year, but if I did, I would’ve said the same thing last year. You could make an argument that last year’s Big Ben was worse than any Mitch Trubisky, and I would agree with that. It’s just that…
It’s Mitch… you know? It’s Mitch. And not only is it Mitch, but it’s Mitch with a Quarterback sitting behind him that is going to be the potential future of the franchise.
Not a whole lot has changed other than that. They drafted George Pickens to be a bully, which is respectable. Their defense is still going to be really good. Chris Boswell is going to continue to be that kicker that makes you say, “Wow. That guy never misses. I should get him on my fantasy team” and then you forget about him.
Week 1:
Steelers 0-0
Loss @ Bengals
The Bengals have an easy schedule at the beginning of the year, but this is going to be their hardest game until week 4. Both Joe Burrow and Mitch throw 2 interceptions a piece, but the Steelers fart around and only get 6 points out of those.
Week 2:
Steelers 0-1
Loss v. Patriots
This game is going to be a certified ass whoopin’. Mitch will look really good on his first drive by going 6 for 6 and a touchdown, but then he goes 12 for 26 the rest of the game and fumbles a snap.
Week 3:
Steelers 0-2
Win @ Browns
The Steelers are going to accidentally go out of bounds and suplex Deshaun. They’ll actually go so far out of bounds that they have to go all the way to his home and do it to him there because I don’t think he’s allowed in the stadium.
Week 4:
Steelers 1-2
Win v. Jets
Zach Wilson comes right into this game just to get hurt again. He thought he might have been able to avoid Myles Jack because Myles got traded out of the AFC East, but here we are.
Week 5:
Steelers 2-2
Loss @ Bills
42-0 or something like that. Mitch lost his job for next week.
Week 6:
Steelers 2-3
Loss v. Buccaneers
Kenny Pickett gets a start and fucks it. He ends up handing the ball off on every RPO and Najee Harris gets a stress fracture from overuse.
Week 7:
Steelers 2-4
Win @ Dolphins
Minkah Fitzpatrick gets 2 picks, one for a pick-six and he spikes it into Tua’s nuts. It’s a taunting penalty that turns into the Dolphins doing an onside kick that they botch in a hilarious fashion.
Week 8:
Steelers 3-4
Win @ Eagles
Mike Tomlin beats the Eagles. Mitch will come back for this game and end up throwing for like 350 yards and no one will know where it came from.
Week 9:
Steelers 4-4
Bye
Week 10:
Steelers 4-4
Win v. Saints
There’s always a Saints game where people say “the Saints have the best run defense in the league, ____ team doesn’t stand a chance” and then that team not only has a chance but ends up running for 175 yards and 3 touchdowns. That’s this game.
Week 11:
Steelers 5-4
Loss v. Bengals
Just a repeat of week 1. Joe Burrow oversteps how cool he thinks he is and wears a hat that says, “I’M A PERVERT” to match his glasses that say, “I’m a pervert.”
Week 12:
Steelers 5-5
Loss @ Colts
The Colts might score on every drive in this game. They might only have 4 drives, they all just take 10 minutes each.
Week 13:
Steelers 5-6
Loss @ Falcons
The Steelers are going to go into this game with every bad vibe in the world. Then they’ll play just like that, and Kyle Pitts will have the best game of his season.
Week 14:
Steelers 5-7
Win v. Ravens
They’ll split games with the Ravens. In this one, Lamar won’t be able to move the ball and the Ravens will get behind and never come back, as they are wont to do.
Week 15:
Steelers 6-7
Loss @ Panthers
A big win last week, a big loss this week. Baker is going to prove that it was the Browns that were holding him back.
Week 16:
Steelers 6-8
Loss v. Raiders
The Raiders are going to be going all out at the end of the season. Carlson ends with a 45-yard field goal as time expires
Week 17:
Steelers 6-9
Loss @ Ravens
Lamar does the exact opposite of what he did 3 weeks ago. He runs for 75 yards in the first 20 minutes of the game. They get up 21 points and never look back.
Week 18:
Steelers 6-10
Win v. Browns
Deshaun Watson dies a horrific death when TJ Watt takes out his frustration from not sniffing the playoffs. It’s either death or paralysis from the neck down, take your pick.
FINAL RECORD:
7-10