I’ve developed a proprietary system to determine every single NFL game. Every day leading up to the start of the regular season I’ll let you know the week-to-week results for each team in two sentences or less.
On one hand, keeping Jimmy Garoppolo shows that you don’t have faith in Trey Lance. On the other hand, their backup QB would be some boring nerd named Brock Purdy.
So that’s a tough spot for them.
Other than that, the 49ers are a really good team, and luckily for them, they’ve shown that they can be a really good team despite whoever has to touch the ball at the beginning of every single play.
It looks like the feud that Brandon Aiyuk and Kyle Shanahan had at the beginning of last season has been resolved, I assume through a donation of land since that’s how feuds have been resolved throughout history. Deebo got paid and he’s going to go crazy like he did last year. George Kittle is back to being healthy. And to top all that off, their defense is absolutely stacked.
I’ve never been to San Fransisco, nor do I plan to ever go, but I’m happy for the people there to have another chance at success despite a goon being the defacto face of their team.
Week 1:
49ers 0-0
Win @ Bears
The Bears start their season with a tremendous effort to throw the ball. I also put in a tremendous effort when I took the ACT, but just like the Bears, that effort means nothing and their final score will be hilariously low.
Week 2:
49ers 1-0
Win v. Seahawks
38-3. The camera shows sad Seahawks fans in the crowd wearing their lame 12th man jerseys.
Week 3:
49ers 2-0
Loss @ Broncos
Russell Wilson knows how to play the 49ers. Nick Bosa looks like a cartoon character when he never gets a good pass rush.
Week 4:
49ers 2-1
Win v. Rams
The Rams don’t play the 49ers well in the regular season. Aaron Donald is quiet the entire game and ends up killing a trainer in the locker room after the game.
Week 5:
49ers 3-1
Win @ Panthers
Baker makes more than half of this throws off of his back foot because he’s under so much pressure and more than half of those throws are 10 yards away from the nearest guy. Christian McCaffery gets hurt.
Week 6:
49ers 4-1
Win @ Falcons
The only first downs the Falcons get are from penalties. 38-10.
Week 7:
49ers 5-1
Loss v. Chiefs
The Chiefs are going to be on a 4 game-losing streak, and Andy Reid doesn’t lose 5 games in a row. I don’t know how it happens, but the Chiefs go off.
Week 8:
49ers 5-2
Win @ Rams
Cooper Kupp catches Cooper Kupp balls and scores Cooper Kupp touchdowns. Deebo matches that and Robbie Gould wins it in OT.
Week 9:
49ers 6-2
Bye
Week 10:
49ers 6-2
Win v. Chargers
Justin Herbert throws 2 picks and one of them is an arm punt. The next week is spent with people comparing his arm to their punters’ leg.
Week 11:
49ers 7-2
Win @ Cardinals
The 49ers get lucky because their games against the Cardinals later in the season. Nick Bosa throws Kyler like it’s NFL Blitz and gets penalized HEAVILY, but it’s worth it because it looks cool.
Week 12:
49ers 8-2
Win v. Saints
Jameis looks like he made a pact with the Devil and he needs to complete 10 passes to Michael Thomas this game to hold up his end of the deal. He does not.
Week 13:
49ers 9-2
Win v. Dolphins
The 49ers show that they don’t need Mike McDaniel to be successful. Kyle Shanahan actually tells him that to his face after the game and it’s really mean.
Week 14:
49ers 10-2
Loss v. Buccaneers
Vita Vea breaks the game. One of the fumbles he causes is because he’s making direct eye contact with Trey Lance and it spooks him.
Week 15:
49ers 10-3
Win @ Seahawks
An instant classic Thursday night game where it’s over at the end of the 1st quarter.
Week 16:
49ers 11-3
Win v. Commanders
Carson Wentz gets sacked 4 times in the first quarter and subsequently throws up on the ball out of fear. He gets strip-sacked later in the game, but it ends up not being a scoop-and-score because the ball is still covered in puke and no one can hold onto it.
Week 17:
49ers 12-3
Loss @ Raiders
The Raiders are hitting their stride going into the postseason. The 49ers never get a solid pass rush, giving Derek Carr enough time to play an entire game of Monopoly before he throws the ball.
Week 18:
49ers 12-4
Win v. Cardinals
The Cardinals end the season pissing down their leg. Kyler Murray literally pisses himself while he runs for his life in the backfield.
FINAL RECORD:
13-4