This whole week my wife was at a Bachelorette Party in Tulum. I had never heard of Tulum, but I looked it up and it seemed nice. That was until Ali said, “We’re not staying in a resort. We’re going to rent a car and drive from the Cancun Airport to an Airbnb in Tulum”
That’s the one that kind of got me.
The whole idea of vacationing in Mexico, to my understanding, was to just go to resorts so you don’t have run-ins with the Cartel. There are a lot of fucked up stories about Cartels in Mexico kid-napping people, cutting their noggins off, ripping their guts out, and then killing them.
Lots of bad vibes from the initial description of this trip. And a minivan full of girls? Sheesh. What a target.
Anyway, she’s alive and home alright. She said the scariest part of the trip was when they drove past a Mexican Prison, but luckily there were armed guards every 50 feet on the outside of the fence. I’m assuming that that’s a Post-Chapo Precaution.
But it begged the question? Who’s locked up in that Prison now? I think I have the answer:
Whoever came up with the lines for this week, because they a criminally bad.
Colts @ Jaguars (Colts -3, O/U 45.5)
November 23, 2014:
Black Space is #1 on the Billboard Charts.
An earthquake that measures 6.7 on the Richter scale hits Japan.
40 people are killed by a suicide bomber at a volleyball tournament in Afghanistan.
Katy Perry performs “Unconditionally” at the AMAs.
The last time the Colts win in Jacksonville.
And that’s the last time the colts have won in Jacksonville. The Jags have only won 34 games since then, and 10 of those came in their 2017 season.
Not only do I think Frank Reich is a bad head coach, but I think it’s impossible for the Colts to go to the Capitol city of the most ludicrous state in the Union, and put together an entire 60-minute game.
I’m going to fade the Colts in this spot until they can prove me wrong. And you’ll give me 3 points too? I’ll put those in my pocket.
Jaguars +3
Commanders @ Lions (Lions -1.5, O/U 48.5)
This is just more of a “Where were you when ___ happened?” kind of play. The Commanders probably win this one.
Lions -1.5
Bengals @ Cowboys (Bengals -7.5, O/U 41.5)
The Cowboys are a trainwreck. Michael Gallup might come back soon, but he’ll probably get hurt. Connor McGovern (their backup left Guard) got hurt while he was playing starting left guard because their actual starting left guard was playing left tackle because their actual left tackle never made it to the season. Jason Peters is going to start at left tackle, maybe, and he’s 40 goddamned years old. Zeke is garbage, but they’re still acting like they’re committed to him. Dak got hurt and they’re going to bring him back too soon, and Cooper Rush isn’t a backup caliber quarterback. They didn’t actually sign him until the Saturday before week 1.
Their defense is fine, I guess.
The Bengals mostly looked like shit last week, but they kind of brought it together at the end of the game. I think that comes from them not playing any preseason games together. Joe threw 4 interceptions, which is obviously (hopefully) an outlier, so he’ll come back to Earth against a team with bad vibes in their brains and dismay in their hearts.
The Bengals steamroll the Cowboys. 41-10.
Bengals -7.5
Bears @ Packers (Packers -10, O/U 41.5)
I’ll start with the Bears:
We don’t know anything about them because their last game was played in a cataclysmic event. We know nothing and anyone who says they do is dumb.
Now the Packers:
Okay, yeah, we know the Packers also sucked ass in week 1 last year. Okay, yeah, we know that they immediately turned it around and Aaron got MVP. But this one kinda feels a little different right? Aaron hates his Rookie receivers and he only has rookie receivers. He’s done everything but openly call him Christian “Bitch Hands” Watson. Last year, Aaron held out of training camp, and we all knew he was going to rub it in everyone’s faces. This year, he went on a bunch of ayahuasca retreats and talked about it with Rogan and everyone else who’ll listen.
That feels a little bit different than last year.
That being said, last week was all week one stuff and the Packers will probably end up throat fucking everyone they play. I just don’t think that’s going to start happening in week 2 this year.
10 points are too many points. System play.
Bears +10