There’s a client right now who is on bathroom observation, which means every time they use the bathroom at night, they can’t flush and I have to check to see if they threw up. It’s a glamorous life that I live. And last night, this client went to the bathroom, peed, threw up, and then flushed.
I don’t care who you are or how stealthy you think your puking is, but I can spot that shit baby. Ya boi knows vomit. It’s on my resume Résumé, right under “I was in a Frat”.
And this dickhead flushed without showing me. Like they were pulling a fast one.
I was disrespected by the flushing for a few reasons:
1. I look like someone who can hear a puking. It’s something I live with everyday and I’ve accepted it.
2. It was a caricature of a vomit. It sounded like the ipecac scene from Family Guy.
The point being, this weekend can go nowhere but up.
Panthers @ Cowboys
(Cowboys -4.5, O/U 50.5)
What’s cool about this, is that the Cowboys are on a short week and the Panthers are coming off of what is essentially a bye week (they played the Poo Poo Jets last Thursday).
CMC going down for the Panthers is a bummer, but Horn going down is going to be the biggest issue for the Panthers this game. Dallas has a good passing offense, which really stinks because that’s an obnoxious benefit for an obnoxious team and Jaycee Horn was playing phenomenally.
That being said, I think the rest of the Panthers’ #1 ranked Defense in DVOA is going to make the Cowboys look fraudulent. The Panthers are going to be well rested, they’ve seen recent film, and they’re going to be able to tweak what they’ve already been preparing. The Cowboys are going to be riding high off a divisional win in a short week and they’ll start slow.
I think the Panthers take an early lead here. They keep the ball out of Dak’s hands and win in a game that’s based purely on time of possession. Also, the Cowboys are in the NFC East and they’re not going to start a season 2-2. It’s just like me waiting for my turn at a stop sign. It doesn’t happen.
However! That fuck brain McCarthy could absolutely luck his way into a good situation at the end of the game and turn this whole thing on its head with a late field goal or turnover, so I’m going to mitigate risk and take the points.
Panthers +4.5
Lions @ Bears
(Bears -3, O/U 42)
Matt Nagy is out after this game. The Lions aren’t THAT bad and the Bears are THAT bad. I don’t know how the Bears could be the favorites in this game. I guess because they’re at home? But that would mean people think they’re even, because oddsmakers are definitely over valuing home field advantage still. Baffling. I’m baffled. When I’m baffled I write questions and then answer them in the next sentence. That’s how you know I’m baffled.
Whatever.
You could argue that Matt Nagy is going to pull out all the stops in this game to save his job, but here’s the thing: Matt Nagy is as capable in his field as I am to be in the education field, which I was, and I got fired. So when we connect those dots our only option is Lions ML.
Buccaneers @ Patriots
(Buccaneers -7, O/U 49)
In the third grade, our teacher had us do a weekly marketplace where we could sell arts and crafts for real money. It was dope. I sold origami, but not good origami. I didn’t know how to make swans or anything like that, so I just sold frogs and balloons. Frogs and balloons are the same things, but with one extra fold. I made bank doing that. I’m talking dozens of dollars. Everyone that bought stuff from me was an idiot.
You’re an idiot… a third-grader-made-origami-buying idiot if you like the Patriots in this spot.
Buccaneers -7
Seal it in blood.