They had a contest at work to see if someone could come up with a name for the training that everyone has to do on Thursdays. It’s just a dumb training thing. It goes over like the fundamentals of the job and the foundations of the company. Real dumb stuff. I came up with some good ideas, but my best one was Thursday Morning Constitutionals. It’s a joke that works on three levels. For the industry (Eat Disorder Rehab), it takes place in the morning, and it’s shit.
I didn’t win.
The name that did win was, “Athena”. Duh. Why wouldn’t that win? Naming a weekly training after the figure that’s most famous for being the goddess of practical reason; it’s a no-brainer.
What’s that?
That’s not what she’s most famous for? She’s famous for being the goddess of war? She’s famous for being the goddess who punished the beautiful Medusa for being raped by Poseidon and turned her into a Gorgon with a head of snakes?
Cool. Good choice.
Anyway, I lost once this week, so I’ll go 3-0 right here. I promise.
Cardinals @ Jaguars (Cardinals -7.5, O/U 52)
I’m going to have diarrhea and a game with the Cardinals is going to go Under. It happens almost every week. 52 points is a lot of points, you guys. Yes, last week had a lot of points, but we’re going to rely on the Jaguars to score at least 21 points? Eh. No thanks. The Jags offense is ranked 31st in DVOA. The Cardinals Defense is ranked 6th in DVOA. The Jaguars won’t do anything and the Cardinals aren’t going to put up enough to hit the over. This game will end up being 49 or 50 points. It’ll be a sweat, but it’ll go Under.
Under 52
I teased this down to Cardinals -1.5.
Chargers @ Chiefs (Chiefs -7, O/U 54.5)
Watching the Chargers play a good team is like watching NCIS, or CSI Miami, or CSI Vegas, or CSI NY, or CSI Cyber, or CSI New Braunfels, or any other bullshit show: It’s the same plot and I’ll hate myself for being entertained. The Chargers will go up early, probably by 10 points. The Chiefs will score on 2 big ass plays. Then it’ll come down to a 2 minute drill for the Chargers and they’ll throw an interception or come up short on a crucial first down. Chargers will lose by 2-6 points.
Did you know the Chiefs have only covered 1 game since 11/22/2020? Because that’s true.
Chargers +7
Packers @ 49ers (49ers -3, O/U 50)
Yeah, the Ravens have had a lot of injuries at running back, but at least they have a quarterback who can help with ground game production. The 49ers have a lot of injuries at running back but their quarterback has the mobility of the fat guy from 300 with swords for arms. Jimmy Garoppolo is too good looking to be a good athlete. Fuck him.
The Packers’ starters got a good warm up game last week and I think that momentum is going to ride through to this week. The Lions were able to move the ball pretty well near the beginning of that game, but once they got behind, they turned into a group of sex addicts at the AVN award show. They spiraled.
I think the 49ers will do the same thing. They won’t be able to establish the run and they’ll have to rely mostly on Deebo Samuel to move the ball (because apparently Brandon Aiyuk doesn’t exist anymore). He’ll probably get some production, but not enough for them to win.
Give me Green Bay ML.
Also, this week’s teaser:
Arizona -1.5, Carolina -1.5, Cleveland -1.5, Chiefs -1.5: +260