I saw a bratwurst eating contest today. Each contestant had 2 minutes to eat as many brats as possible. The contest started off with 8 gals, but that number increased as they found more and more drunk gals who were looking to be in on the fun.
There ended up being 12 gals who were ready to down some meat. Unfortunately for them, the gal that ended up winning was not the septuagenarian gal named “Terrifying Tiffany”, but instead it was a 30-year-old gal with the swagger of a 25-year-old 50 Cent. Our gal who won named Jessica thought she lost because she only ate 3 brats. I think that’s fair though. If everyone else around you, specifically the gal who called herself “Terrifying Tiffany” says she’s going to eat 47 bratwursts in 2 minutes, and you end up only eating 3, you have to be put on notice.
Turns out Tiffany was all talk and ate 1.5 brats. What a dumbass. Fuck terrifying Tiffany.
Lions @ Vikings (Vikings -6, O/U 53)
On this early slate, I was either going to pick the Chiefs laying 5.5 points or the Lions getting 6 points. What it came down to was, “Who do I trust more.”
Guys, I trust the Lions more.
Am I getting a little too big for my boots? Yeah, definitely. But think about this: The Lions can score a lot of points.
The Vikings aren’t as bad as the Eagles made them look. The Eagles made them look really really truly pathetic, but the Vikings are really just fine, to just okay, which is better than most of the NFC.
None of that is what matters here. Were zoning in on one metric, and that metric is that teams going to London the next week are 11-22-1 ATS the week before they leave. The Vikings are going to London next week and 6 points is a shitload of points.
Lions +6.
If Herbert is playing:
Rams @ Cardinals (Rams -3.5, O/U 48.5)
Sean McVay has a really good ATS record against Kliff. I’m talking 8-1 kind of good. I’m not quite sure if it is 8-1 ATS, but it’s really close to that. The point is that the Rams are really close to being perfect to the Cardinals SU and ATS.
We saw the Cardinals. We saw that they have the potential to be garbage and they are kind of okay with being at that level.
We know the Cardinals have the ability to be terrible and we’re going to count on that. Give me Rams laying the points.
Rams -3.5
If Herbert is out:
Jaguars ML.
Because good god.
49ers @ Broncos (49ers -1.5, O/U 45)
Ugh. I hate this. I hate this game a lot.
Will Nathaniel Hackett get his dick out of his hand and his head of his ass? Will Russ finally start doing Russ things? Will Jimmy G. stop being so goddamned handsome?
No one knows.
All we know is that most of the play makers will continue to do nothing in Prime time and both of these teams will be laughing stocks for a long time.
U45 and I hate it.
Kill me.