I need to be entertained. I don’t want to be entertained. I NEED to be entertained.
So obviously, I was ecstatic when they eased up on the rules for touchdown celebrations in the NFL. An incredibly arrogant, thought out, and flamboyant “eat shit loser” after you score is the pinnacle of American entertainment.
But we, as a society, have room for improvement.
Well, not society, just the players...
See, we haven’t had a full football season yet, and I’ve already seen the “Let’s take a group picture” celebration like 40 times. And I’m not trying to rag on that move; I think it’s neat and a solid default. I’m just saying that if a team has a 55 person roster, they need to a have a sit down sesh and brainstorm. A “no idea is a bad idea”, “get everything out on the table” pow-wow.
Also, as a fan of the game, I feel like I should be able have some input on what I see, so here are some of my ideas.
Let’s get retro.
Snake is possibly one of the best and most recognizable video games of all time. We wouldn’t have Angry Birds and Doodle Jump today if Nokia didn’t include this game on their Bricks. So let’s pay homage to it by being the snake when we score.
The team starts off with 4 players in a Mamba Line and run around the endzone picking up the other 7 players. Very simple.
This could have some longevity to it too, because if they are feeling extra cocky, they can use the whole field or make the sidelines the barriers.
Let me paint a picture...
Eagles just went up 24 to 3 against the Pats. Nick Foles is at the front of the snake, leads it right to the New England sideline, touches the white line, and BOOM. Everyone falls over and lays there.
You just got Snake’d
Human Wheelbarrow Races:
Let’s get recreational.
The potato sack race was fun, but this one establishes physical dominance.
These guys just drove 85 yards downfield burning 7 minutes off the clock. Don’t they just need some water and a break?
No. Fuck that.
If you score, you shove it in the face of the people you just dominated.
You pick up a lineman’s legs and run from sideline to sideline. Show the other team that you still have the energy for a nonsensical and exhausting activity that uses the entire end zone. Let them know that their best effort is trash.
Let’s get sacrilegious.
You know how they pour Gatorade on the head coach?
It’s like that, except this is for when someone gets their first touchdown. Pour a bottle of water on his head and it’s a done deal.
Bonus points for the Baptizer being mic’d up and nailing a sideline sermon.
Red Carpet Treatment:
Let’s get Hierarchical.
This one’s really only going to work with a kicker because he’s probably the smallest dude on the team.
If you have a guy who just drained a 47 yarder, this is the one you want.
Treat your kicker like he’s holy. The other 10 players lie on the ground, like a carpet of sorts, and let the kicker walk on their backs like he is a king amongst dogs.
Will it be painful? Probably.
Will it look dope as hell? Definitely.
You want to be the team that treats their kicker like he is above the law.
Let’s get childish.
You’re never too good for patty-cake.
Like yeah, you feel like a doofus when you first start slapping hands, but once you get in a groove…
You get on cloud nine. You look down and your feet look a mile away. Every time your hands touch you feel more connected to the person across from you. The rhymes flow from your mouth with so much ease. You’ve reached full consciousness.
Also, that’d be funny to see 2 huge dudes slap hands. That’s silly as hell.
Let’s get medical.
Childbirth is hideous. I won’t get into the ‘tails, mostly because I don’t know them, but also my assumptions are gross.
This is simple. Put the ball under someone’s jersey so he looks pregnant. Have two guys act as stirrups of sorts, and have the quarterback deliver the hell out of that ball-baby.
Maybe sneak another ball and have twins. Shit, go for an Octomom thing and pop eight babies out if this laboring mother-to-be.
If you’re feeling saucy go for a C-Section and use red Gatorade for the fluids.
Let’s get historic.
This is kind of a one-time thing, so it’s probably better as a celebration for a defensive touchdown.
Get four defensive backs to piggyback on four linemen (these are the tanks). Get a linebacker (the citizen) to get on his knees so there’ll be a nice size comparison thing. Then have the tanks march slowly forward towards the citizen. Just as soon as they are about to run him over, stop until it goes to commercial.
Did they run him over? Yeah probably, but you don’t have proof. The only people who know for sure are the people who were there.