This year, the NFL had some truly, truly, terrible, awful, no good, very bad commercials to promote the draft. There was one with some kid in a Steelers jersey watching a TV alone in his room saying to himself, “One pick and we’re Super Bowl champions.” The writers for these commercials couldn’t be more realistic? Not like, “One pick and we’ll be maybe kind of okay in our division.” Something like that?
Another commercial was a couple of guys wearing Cardinals jerseys at a bar saying, “I think if we make the right pick, we can get the NFC West,” and then someone on the other side of the bar in a 49ers jersey pipes up and says, “You have to go through us first.” I know NFL fans like myself are typically really stupid and have incredibly high hopes and expectations, but Cardinals fans saying that is an aggressively mean caricature.
My favorite TV spot had a couple of guys in Seahawks jerseys at a cookout talking to each other about who they are going to pick, and a gal in a Cowboys jersey chimes in and goes on some weirdo tirade/monologue where she says, “It’s not just a pick for this year. This is a pick for our legacy.” Well, lady, the Cowboys used their first-round pick on a defensive lineman with half of a sack in 30 games. So that’s a hell of a legacy. They blew it.
Everyone blew it.
Your team (and the team that you don’t like) blew it. They all did badly in the first round and now they’re not going to win the Super Bowl
And you know what’s great about me saying that? I’m going to be 96.9% right because only one team wins. If I play every side so I’ll come out top.
Let’s go alphabetically:
Arizona Cardinals
Pick 6, Paris Johnson Jr., OT, Ohio State
Hey Cardinals, congratulations for absolutely botching the draft 10 minutes before it started. You not only hired Jonathon Gannon as your head coach, but you also tampered when you did it. Because of that, you had to trade your 66th pick to the Eagles for their 94th pick. Great to see that you kept the clown show going from last year straight into this year. Anyone that this team picked was going to end up being a big ol’ nuthin’ burger because of their vibes going into to draft.
Atlanta Falcons
Pick 8, Bijan Robinson, RB, Texas
Did you know that having a good running back isn’t what the Falcons’ issues were? Of course you did. Did the Falcons know that having a good running back isn’t what the Falcons’ issues were? Of course they didn’t. That’s probably why they used a premium pick to draft a guy who plays a position where a 5-year career is kind of where production plummets. That’s also probably why they didn’t grab a cornerback who could play until he’s 32 and help get their defense from allowing the 23rd most points, to like the 22nd most points or something.
Baltimore Ravens
Pick 22, Zay Flowers, WR, Boston College
You know what receiver is really cool, level-headed, and rational? OBJ. You know what receiver is totally fine when other receivers get the ball thrown to them ever? OBJ. I’m sure he’ll be fine with a rookie getting targets over him. I also love the naïveté of the Ravens to think that they’re all of a sudden good at assessing wide receiver talent. If I know one thing to be true in this life, it’s that if the Ravens draft a wide receiver, he’s gonna be a dud. Thanks for making this one easy.
Buffalo Bills
Pick 25, Dalton Kincaid, TE, Utah
Great, so the Bills are in a prime spot here to get an offensive lineman who can help protect their franchise quarterback. A franchise quarterback who is arguably the most impactful player for his team in the entire league. A franchise quarterback who is coming off of a season where he hurt his UCL for the second time in his career.
Maybe even get him a guy with premiere wide receiver talent so it’s not just Stefon Diggs.
Okay, well they took a tight end a year after they extended Dawson Knox. Whatever Bills. You’re in a spot to stomp out the last light of life to ultimately end the Patriots’ reign of terror in the AFC East, and we’re all rooting for you, but you’re not making it easy.
Carolina Panthers
Pick 1, Bryce Young, QB, Alabama
Bryce Young is going to be throwing to Terrace Marshall Jr., DJ Chark, 32-year-old Adam Theilen, and a brick-handed Miles Sanders. They’re still a few years away from success and this year they’ll be near the bottom of the league, but they’ll be able to make some strides with a good first-round pick for next year. Right? RIGHT?
No they traded it away.
Chicago Bears
Pick 10, Darnell Wright, OT, Tennessee
The Bears traded from 9 to 10 and got a 4th rounder from the Eagles. The Eagles got Jalen Carter. The Bears got a lineman. Fleeced.
It’s been a minute since they traded the first overall pick to the Panthers, so I just want to remind you, the Bears were the worst team in the league last year. Don’t let the position of the pick fool you.
Cincinnati Bengals
Pick 28, Myles Murphy, EDGE, Clemson
You know, typically, you’d want to have your offense not rank in the bottom third of QB sacks per game. You’d probably also want to reload your offensive line since probably the best guy on it turned his knee into goo late in the season.
Or you could go the other way and get another edge rusher. Cool, I’m sure Joe Burrow will have enough time in the pocket to throw deep in a division with way better defenses than offenses.
Cleveland Browns
No, I’m sure Deshaun will be good. For sure dude. Totally worth it.
Dallas Cowboys
Pick 26, Mazi Smith, DT, Michigan
Absolutely phenomenal that the Cowboys were so all-in on Dalton Kincaid, that when the Bills took him at 25, the Cowboys took their 26th pick and panic-ordered a defensive tackle. It’s like a waiter at a Kobe Steakhouse telling you they’re out of filet mignon and then you order chicken fingers. That’s a tough look for a team who designed their war room to look like the Legion of Doom’s lair.
Denver Broncos
Just a reminder that Russell Wilson is turning 34 this year.
Detroit Lions
Pick 12, Jahmyr Gibbs, RB, Alabama
Pick 18, Jack Campbell, LB, Iowa
Let me get this straight, the Lions traded back from 6 to 12, then they drafted the second-best running back in the class. The best running back in the class got picked at 8. Sooooooooo, that’s a hell of a strategy. Adversity makes you gritty, so if you don’t have any adversity might as well manufacture some I guess?
Then they get another pick at 18 and choose a linebacker. Lions’ linebackers have been and always will be garbage pails, I’m sure Jack Campbell won’t be though. As they say, history never repeats itself.
Green Bay Packers
Pick 13, Lukas Van Ness, LB, Iowa
The whole world is on Green Bay’s side in the Aaron Rodgers breakup. They had one chance to really twist the knife while the football world is watching. They had one chance to draft a WR in the first round immediately after Aaron Rodgers left. Would it have been a reach? Probably, but everyone would’ve loved it except for Aaron and that would’ve made it the perfect pick.
Instead, they went with the linebacker from Iowa. Yawn.
Houston Texans
Pick 2, C.J. Stroud, QB, Ohio State
Pick 3, Will Anderson Jr., EDGE, Alabama
Why is it that GMs don’t value their future picks? The Texans were 1 game away from getting the first draft pick this year. They draft two guys that they’re going all-in on, but in doing so they get rid of their first-round pick next year. In their head, that pick is in the 20s.
Buddy, I don’t know what to tell ya… that’s gonna be a top 5 pick next year. You done messed up Houston. Congrats on CJ Stroud and Will Anderson though, I just have one question for you:
What if CJ Stroud ends up being an idiot? A lot of people said that the test he bombed doesn’t mean anything, but if he ends up being a real dummy? Whew. That’d be a TOUGH look.
Indianapolis Colts
Pick 4, Anthony Richardson, QB, Florida
The good thing about drafting a huge guy at QB is that whenever the pass rush inevitably blows through the terrible offensive line every single play, he might not go down on first contact. Can’t wait to see Anthony Richardson develop in a QB room with NFL Veterans like Sam Ehlinger and Gardner Minshew. They’ll help him reach his highest potential. For sure dude.
Jacksonville Jaguars
Pick 27, Anton Harrison, OT, Oklahoma
Cam Robinson couldn’t have planned his suspension timing better. Getting popped for PEDs and suspended right before the draft? That’s just clutch timing. Way to solve a problem Jacksonville.
In 2018, the Jags had a late 1st round pick, and they drafted Taven Bryan. The Jags declined his 5th year option and now he’s just a rotational guy for the Colts. If history tells us anything it’s that the Jags aren’t good at assessing guys who aren’t top-10 talent and that Anton is going to be a bummer. Tough look.
Kansas City Chiefs
Pick 31, Felix Anudike-Uzomah, EDGE, Kansas State
Of all the years to win a Super Bowl this one is it. You get to pick at 31 instead of 32. What a great spot to be in.
Then you decide to grab an edge rusher.
I’m guessing the thought was, “Jalen Hurts just humiliated our defense with a historic performance. So in order to stop a guy that uses his legs we should get a guy that can maybe kind of contain. Wait, we’re in the AFC West and these quarterbacks like to throw a lot? Shoot, maybe we should pick a corner instead. Oh, they’re already announcing it. Dammit.”
Clown pick for a clown defense.
Shout out to all of the KC fans that were at the draft and waited 8 hours for a dumb pick. You guys are the real heroes.
Las Vegas Raiders
Pick 7, Tyree Wilson, EDGE, Texas Tech
I’m sure Jimmy G is gonna be the long-term solution for the Raiders. He doesn’t have a history of injuries and middling performance. There wasn’t a QB that was available at 7? Nah, there couldn’t have been.
Did the Raiders forget about Maxx Crosby and Chandler Jones? I’m hoping they did because they’re mega dumb if they didn’t.
Los Angeles Chargers
Pick 21, Quentin Johnston, WR, TCU
If you get drafted by the Chargers do you immediately call State Farm to get an insurance policy for your legs? It’s just a matter of time before they’re going to break, turn into jelly, or both. The last time they drafted a wide receiver in the first round was Mike Williams in 2017. I can’t wait for Quentin Johnson to have 4 good games a season for the next 6 years. That’ll be cool for him.
Los Angeles Rams
They won the Super Bowl 2 years ago. Worth it.
Miami Dolphins
Losing your first round pick because you were “Tampering on a boat ride with Tom Brady” is villain behavior. I love that for them.
Minnesota Vikings
Pick 23, Jordan Addison, WR, USC
This pick was reactionary. They couldn’t out-score Daniel Jones in the playoffs. I guess getting a wide receiver is the only way to remedy that. It’s not like they had a bottom 3 defense last year or anything like that. Definitely couldn’t use any help on defense from a first-round talent.
New England Patriots
Pick 17, Christian Gonzalez, CB, Oregon
Just a real show of faith towards Mac Jones. It’s only year 3 for him. He’s going to have a real breakout year this year. We certainly haven’t seen his peak. So if you’re set at signal caller with no other options available for a potential upgrade in that spot, you might as well take a corner who most definitely has Bill Belichick’s face tattooed on his back.
Stupid.
New Orleans Saints
Pick 29, Bryan Bresee, DT, Clemson
The is the Sean Payton pick. It’s easy to grade this:
Is Bryan Breese going to be as good of a defensive tackle as Sean Payton was a coach? No, of course not.
Knowing that the Saints are total stupid dumb dumbs who are constantly thinking they’re one pick away from being a title contender, we can also deduce that picking a DT here was a total stupid dumb dumb move.
New York Giants
Pick 24, Deonte Banks, CB, Maryland
Did the Giants pick someone specifically to guard AJ Brown? Sure looks like it, right? Is it going to work? Absolutely not. Maybe they wouldn’t have to be here if they didn’t drop James Bradberry a couple of years ago. You gotta love it when a team reaps every grain of what they sow. Same old sorry-ass Giants.
New York Jets
Pick 15, Will McDonald IV, EDGE, Iowa State
Hey Jets, your defense is good. Chill out.
Now you got a QB banging on 40-years-old who’s had a bashed-up hand and body for the last few years. Maybe try to get someone who can protect him, maybe? Or if you’re in on him just being there for one year, this is a good move. If you got a one-year lease on a car, don’t worry about changing the oil or washing the undercarriage after the Winter. If you got a one-year lease on Aaron, don’t worry about his health. Makes sense.
Philadelphia Eagles
Pick 9, Jalen Carter, DT, Georgia
Pick 30, Nolan Smith, EDGE, Georgia
I kinda liked it the last couple of years when I had a real rooting interest against teams because the Eagles had their 1st round picks. It’s going to be hard to get back to normal only having 1st round pick.
You’re perfect. Go Birds.
Pittsburgh Steelers
Pick 14, Broderick Jones, OT, Georgia
Getting Allen Robinson 2 weeks before the draft to pigeonhole yourself into having to draft an offensive tackle is certainly a strategy. You know, maybe not one that I would’ve made, but here we are. I’m looking forward to the Steelers continuing their recent streak of making everyone think this is the first year Mike Tomlin will have a losing season.
San Fransisco 49ers
No first-round picks for these guys. Though they did use their second pick of the draft, which was in the 3rd round, on a kicker and that’s hilarious.
Seattle Seahawks
Pick 5, Devon Witherspoon, CB, Illinois
Pick 20, Jaxon Smith-Njigba, WR, Ohio State
No matter how hard they try, the Seahawks aren’t going to be able to get another defense like the “Legion of Boom.” They aren’t self-aware enough to realize that, and I’m looking forward to seeing what other stupid, Call of Duty Clan-esque nickname they give themselves.
As far as JSN goes? I’m looking forward to seeing the Seahawks run the ball too much and neglect each of their receivers equally.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pick 19, Calijah Kancey, DT, Pittsburgh
Watching a franchise that had a couple of good years trying to pick up the pieces of their very predictable downfall is kind of a sad thing to see. I’m glad that they think they are the team that can finally fix Baker though. Not drafting a QB and confirming that Baker is your guy is the second most confident a team has ever been in him. The team that was most confident in Baker was obviously the Progressive Insurance marketing team.
Tennesee Titans
Pick 11, Peter Skoronski, OT, Northwestern
Personally, I think if you’re trying to rebuild an entire roster, I would maybe start with drafting a guy who has elite talent and experience at a spot that you draft him to play. OR you can go with the Titans’ plan of using a first round pick to get an offensive tackle to so that he can play guard. Especially at pick 11, it’s not like there were any other guys that enticed them, right? Maybe guys who can directly move the ball? Nah. They weren’t there.
Washington Commanders
Pick 16, Emmanuel Forbes, CB, Mississippi State
Emmanuel Forbes is a 6-foot, 166 lb cornerback that got drafted in the first round. Christian Gonzalez was picked immediately after.
These are not opinions or commentary, these are facts.
Dan Snyder is walking away from a building as it explodes behind him. He was the one who armed the bomb and detonated it, but in his head, he’s probably thinking he’s the Joker.
This was a mind-boggling pick.